I don’t remember exactly for how many hours I was laying on the floor that night, but I remember that I was done fighting. I was broken, my spirit crushed and all I wanted was to jump out of the window and escape into the dark of night. But I was trapped. Trapped in my own personal hell.
I met him at a bar and he caught my attention right away.Tall, dark and handsome exactly my type. Not only did he radiate with confidence but he was also charming and sweet. I could not believe that a guy like that was truly interested in me. After all I was longing for a guy to “save” me and this one seemed like Prince Charming. Little did I know that the night at the bar would change my life forever!
See the boogie man doesn’t look like the boogie man. Men that hurt women are charming, deceptive and sweet as candy. They are like Dr.Jakyll and Mr.Hide. But I didn’t get that until it was to late.
Two weeks after I met Prince Charming he called me a b****, pushed me into a corner and told me to shut up. I was in shock but I also was desperate not to lose him, after all love can conquer it all and together we can work through his issues. When you don’t know God’s love satan can bring anyone into your life and you believe it is the real deal!
At this point in my life I was so lost, chained and I believed that I didn’t deserve to be treated any different. The thing is I never pictured myself ever being married to a man that would physically and emotionally abuse me. I used to hear stories of women trapped in a destructive marriage, I didn’t comprehend why they wouldn’t just leave. I guess it is always easy to judge until you are in their shoes!
It all started with a pair of black pants that night. Pants that rubbed him the wrong way. Pants that made me get kicked and pushed for hours, pants that made me wanna die. I was exhausted, I didn’t wanna do this anymore. At first I tried to fight back but I realized pretty soon that I had no chance against a 6’2 foot tall guy. So I just layed there hoping his rage would soon subside. After a time that seemed like eternity he just flipped a switch, hugging and kissing me like nothing ever happened. Talking about two spirits raging in a humans soul.
Looking back on my marriage I get teary eyed, because God saved my life. If I would have not met Jesus shortly after I might have ran right into another destructive relationship. I might not even be alive. Only by God’s grace!
When I shared my testimony at training camp with my teammates I was ashamed. I felt unworthy, like damaged goods. Ashamed of my past and the mistakes that I have made. But then Jesus reminded me that this is all part of His story, for His glory. He takes the biggest messes and turns them into something only He can create. And today I wouldn’t trade the pain I went through for anything.
I would take pain for COMPASSION any day!!!
I would take all the emotional and physical pain for salvation all over again!!!
Tonight I met a lady at a spa. With tears in her eyes she told me how she has been stuck for over thirty years in an abusive marriage. She said only Jesus is getting her through the day! Tonight I looked into one of my sisters eyes and said: ” I am sorry, I feel your pain and Jesus is still right next to you holding your hand.”
Tonight I wouldn’t trade my story for anything, because there is something about ” You too, I am sorry, I know how you feel. ”
It gives Hope, it gives Love, it shows Jesus!
Love
Jen
