“The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is upon me, for the Lord has anointed me to bring good news to the poor. He has sent me to comfort the broken-hearted and to proclaim that captives will be released and prisoners will be freed.”
Isaiah 61:1
The day marks New Year’s Day 2016 and I am overwhelmed how the God of the universe continues to speak to me. Month seven has arrived and God has become my best friend, healer, counselor and protector. As I am starring at the verses in Isaiah I realize how God continuously wants to restore me to a place of freedom, healing and wholeness. It’s not my physical freedom that matters most, my spiritual and emotional strongholds are what keeps me from a life of inner peace and joy. That is why my Savior died, so I can have eternal life and find rest and peace in Him.
No matter what once happened once upon a time.
Gods patience, pursued and love are unfailing. He really does never give up on me.
The day marks December 18th. I was sitting in a hammock, surrounded by the beauty of the Delta, wild cows and hippos. I was practicing listening prayer with one of my teammates Kayla. I knew God was already revealing some emotional junk to me and I was anxious to see what else He wanted me to learn.
As I closed my eyes, listening to His voice, God brought me back to an event in my childhood.
I was flustered by the memories that flooded me.
Memories of shame and rejection.
Memories of self hate and ugliness.
Memories I wanted to keep buried and far far away.
I saw my younger self, innocent and confused, not being able to comprehend what happened to me. Scared and alone I buried my emotions by the age of eleven, so I wouldn’t have to feel. Why would a grown up touch me in a way that makes me feel that way. Shouldn’t adults protect me! And why would he pick me out of everyone. Was something wrong with me. The best thing was to never mention it again and just forget about it.
So that is the promise I made to myself that night at my friends house. Don’t think about it, don’t talk about it and don’t feel the pain. I didn’t believe I was worthy of bringing the truth to the light.
That was the beginning of a lifelong destructive promise, deep rooted in me. A lie that told me I am not worthy to express my emotions,I am not worthy of being loved and rejection is part of my life. Something had to be wrong with me.
A decade of my life was marked by one destructive event that followed many and eventually changed the way I viewed myself. I couldn’t stand who I was and rejected myself. But I needed to somehow be validated and get attention. And I did, in all the wrong places! The root of my self hate and not being able to properly process what happened to me, brought a detrimental pattern of trying to find false identity and healing in men and people.
I wanted attention
I wanted someone to see me
I wanted someone to ask what happened
I wanted someone to share my pain with me
So I turned into a self seeking lost girl that often was loud and obnoxious. I craved attention through my body, job or lifestyle. As long as someone paid attention to me and validated my emotions and behavior no matter how destructive it might was I felt good about myself. My whole life I wanted to be noticed for who I am, I just wanted to be enough.
The danger in trying to find worth and validation in people is that they will disappoint me sooner or later. They will reject me, often more than once. People are broken. They are sinners and often don’t even know the emotional damage they do. I cannot depend on them to validate or see me. I can’t control their decisions or their behavior towards me. I can’t force them to love or pursue me. I can’t rely on them to fix my life or give me a sense of completion. It wouldn’t be fair to put that pressure on anyone, it is never anyone’s job to make me feel like I am enough.
That day somewhere in the middle of Botswana, Africa my Father brought healing to my heart and soul. He cared enough about a little human being like me.
That is my God!
He is personal, He understands, He sees, He pursues.
God saw me broken
God saw me battered
God saw me filthy
God saw me shattered
God saw me wicked
God saw me lying
God saw me failing
God saw me trying
God saw me angry
God saw me jealous
God saw me prideful
God saw me selfish
God saw me lustful
Yet He said: He wants me and He loves me.
He wants me to come to Him.
He wants to heal me. I am His!
And when I say I don’t deserve it, He says I took the nails instead.
I know now that I am more than enough.
I know now that Jesus was right there with me that night, weeping about the sin of a fallen man.
Jesus felt my pain and He saw me.
Jesus caught every tear and will continue to do so.
Jesus will continue to pursue me
Jesus will continue to heal me
Jesus will continue to love me
Jesus will continue to transform me
When my whole identity and being is wrapped up in the Savior of the world, I don’t need to scream for attention anymore. I don’t need to think I am a failure or be ashamed of the past. My need for being the center of attention fades away, because I realize that humbleness, rejoicing with people and letting them have the honor of being validated is Gods heart. Putting others before myself becomes easier once I grasp the fact that nothing can snatch me away from Gods love.
I so don’t have this figured out.
Every day I try to see a glimpse of Gods heart and how He wants to transform me. I am learning to share my emotions in a healthy way, learning to find all I am in God, learning to love like He does. For the first time I am learning to love myself. I am still a messed up sinner, resting in His Grace, rejoicing in His unfailing Love. I can’t earn it or buy it, Gods love will and has always been there.
So that day in the hammock, God gave me freedom.
Freedom from old lies
Freedom from false attention
Freedom from people’s validation
God gave me a whole new freedom and now I am not ashamed of my scars anymore. They are part of my story. They are part of me, but they will never define me again.
Love Jen
