There it is again! The thought of giving into my struggles. I was sure by now, I wouldn’t have to deal with the same old sin anymore. By now I should know that my worth is not in my weight and in the way I look. Yet, once again I am laying in my room in Jamaica struggling with my thoughts and feelings of unworthiness, putting pressure on myself to fit into a mold and be “beautiful” by the time I get home.
Beauty, who defines true beauty anyway? When did beauty become a sign of flawless skin and legs, rather than a pure heart. After all Jesus doesn’t care about my flabby stomach and imperfect skin. He created me in His perfect image. For Him my body is a vessel, to glorify Him. For me it is a machine that I need to control. I guess sometimes it’s the only thing I can control! Maybe that is where the issue lies- trust issues, control issues. Thinking if I will let go and just trust God with my everything He might not come through. How little faith I have!
This whole thing is so messy, it is ugly and I can’t stand it. How I sometimes wish I could just close my eyes and let go. Jump off that cliff and just not care, knowing that Jesus will catch me. After all, He hasn’t let me down so far, why would He now!
When Jesus said, ” If I lose my life I will find it,” (Luke 9:24) He meant all of it. After all why would I want to hang on to something that will ultimately destroy me. He has a life way beyond myself. Freedom, how sweet that sounds. Freedom from sin, freedom from the enemy, freedom from myself. I guess that is where God’s undeserved grace comes in. Moments like today, make me wake up once again to the reality of helplessness. I am utterly helpless in my story of humanity and sin. And that leads me to surrender on my knees. My pride wants to figure this out and bring my enemy down, yet I don’t even stand a chance, without Jesus. He will accomplish what I am trying so desperately myself. God does the work, I just need to let Him. Yet my self loves the self centered me, focused on appearance and vanity.
I once thought I had a choice in my salvation, until scales fell from my eyes and I saw that unless God wanted me to be saved I was lost. I could reject Him anytime, yet turn to Him, that was His doing. Free will sounds so heroic, yet I didn’t do anything, the cross did it all for me.
The grace of God did it, the mercy of His love did it. Me, myself and I had no role in it.
He chose me, not sure why. He softened a hardened heart and made me see truth, yet I deserved none of it. How unfailing His love is. It goes beyond anything we can ever imagine.
So the sinful battle I am facing, is really Jesus’s battle. I so often believe that my human “wisdom” and foolishness will bring healing and victory, yet I keep on forgetting that my battle is fought with late night prayers and surrender. It is never my doing, always His grace that will save me from my wicked heart. It is His timing which will bring redemption. Oh how I long on some days to have a life without sin and without a daily battlefield of death.
After all I have been on the missions field for almost a year, shouldn’t I have this figured out by now.
I wish I would be perfect.
Wish I could be more.
Wish I would come to completion in Christ.
Reality is, I am still an eternity away from it.
Truth is I am still like a child who needs to learn how to trust her Father and jump off that cliff. Even though I have seen God come through over and over again I still doubt.
I still have trust issues.
I am no different than you.
I am a sinner, fully dependent on God to save me from my messed up heart.
I am no hero, super human or perfect.
Often I can’t see a way out of my humanity.
Thank God I am saved by Jesus’s righteousness.
He doesn’t get tired of my failure. He doesn’t get tired of my humanity. He doesn’t get too tired to extend the grace that changes a person. He sees my effort and loves me for my untiring attempt to get back up and walk towards Him.
Let me share with you one of my favorite stories.
There once was a man named Simon Peter. He used to be a fisherman until he met Jesus and started following Him. Peter listened carefully to Jesus’ teachings, yet was often ruled by his humanity and emotions. Peter once stated that he would die for Jesus, but when his beloved Jesus was crucified on the cross, Peter turned into a coward and denied Jesus three times. I guess you could say, he wasn’t really a man of integrity. Even though Peter has seen miracle after miracle and knew who Jesus was, in that crucial moment his fear was bigger than his faith.
As we can read in the gospel of John, Jesus returned to his disciples after His resurrection. In chapter twenty one of John Jesus cooks breakfast on the shore while Peter is trying to catch fish. According to verse seven Peter jumps of his boat as he recognizes His resurrected Savior and rushes to shore. So Jesus died knowing that Peter denied Him, yet when He sees Peter again He makes him breakfast. Jesus isn’t angry. He doesn’t hold a grudge. There are no signs of unforgiveness or bitterness. He just cooks up some bread and fish and welcomes Peter with open arms. What a champ. What Love.
(John 18:15-27, John 21:7-14)
That is the grace of our Savior. He looks past a wicked heart. He looks past our failure. He saw who Peter would be, not could be. Jesus sees redemption where we can’t. He makes a way, where we only see wilderness. He sees us, when we can only see ugliness.
He can see past humanity and past sin.
He can, I can’t!And that is why I have no other choice but to trust Him.
Cause He is God and I am not.
He knows it all and I don’t.
He is in charge and I am not.
He knows the end of the story, while I am still trying to figure out today.
Love
Jen
