I've always been a person who picks up slack for people or goes above and beyond. I was that overachiever in school that sometimes did twice as much work as everyone else on group projects. As a soccer player I learned how to play every single position. When I decided to join jazz band in college I learned to play trombone because that was the instrument they needed most, and I was transitioning from clarinet which plays completely differently and the music is read in a different clef. I fill in for what is needed; I just adapt and learn. I'm a utility person.
It's kind of awesome that God has blessed me in this way because I can usually fill in a role and feel useful. I like the wide variety of experiences I have, and it allows me to continue learning. Anyone who knows me can tell you that I LOVE to learn.
However, it can put a strain on me. I'm either overworked or easily replaced by people who are more qualified than me. Like I can play goalkeeper for a soccer match just fine, but once a well trained keeper that either only or mainly plays in goal steps in I'm kicked to the curb…or at least a different position. I'm very glad of this person's abilities, and it is really awesome that they are specialized in what they do, but sometimes it can feel like I'm just not quite good enough. It's as if I can do so much, but I'm not elite, therefore I'm second string.
And as graduation looms on the horizon and constantly grows nearer the favorite questions presented to me are "what are you going to do after you graduate?" "Oh, you're majoring in Biblical Studies? What are you going to do with that?" The easy answer to the first question is that I'm going on the World Race, but there's always the follow up question, "What are you doing after the World Race?" My typical answer is sheepishly saying "ministry" because I don't know. There isn't ONE place where I fit. I'm not going to be a pastor, maybe I'll work in children's or youth ministry, maybe I'll go overseas as a missionary, I just have no clue right now. I go, I do, I follow God's lead. And ultimately, I probably won't have just ONE life calling.
It's frustrating for me because I don't have just one or a few passions to invest all I can into like some of my friends. I have friends passionate for one country/area of the world (like Israel or north Africa), or one people group (like Muslims or orphans), or one major issue (like human trafficking). I feed off of their passions; they all ring true to me as important, especially when I see the fire behind their eyes and the excitement in their voices as they tell me about what they are doing/working towards/fighting against. My passion is to see a Church united, but what to do about it/how to act is rather unclear to me.
I might just be a utility person investing in a variety of ministries, or maybe I'll do my own thing. It's wherever God leads. I'm okay with this; I guess this is just where I am right now. I know the next step, which is all I need to know, and I know that as long as I continuously obey in the little things the bigger steps won't seem so daunting.
