If you clicked on my blog because you know what an existential crisis is, my heart rejoices. If you clicked on my blog and have no clue what an existential crisis, my heart still rejoices because 1) large words don’t scare you, 2) you get to expand your vocabulary today, 3) or it’s just possible that you know me personally and feel obliged to read whatever I post.
So, allow me to describe an existential crisis so everyone is on the same page:
An existential crisis is when a person begins to question the meaning of their life. The world seems to have less purpose, and a person questions the inner logic of social systems, religion, everything they held to be true, and it usually corresponds to recognizing the brevity of life. It boils down to questioning what it means to exist, and is even the basic foundation that the individual’s life was built upon based upon the truth.
My life has been shaped by a series of small existential crises. I see this as a good thing: because no matter how intense they may be God uses them to make me more like Him, and they can shake me to my core leading me to rip out any unsure foundations in my life and seek to reestablish my foundations on Christ [the only solid Rock]. I question and overthink a lot, and this is both what leads me into and out of any given existential crisis.
Coming on the Race I knew I would be confronted with different cultures and various challenges to my faith. Different people have different ways of looking at and explaining the world and we have to recognize that just because it’s different doesn’t mean it’s wrong. Challenges to my faith aren’t always huge; they can simply be noticing inconsistencies to what I say I believe and how I actually act out my faith. As much as I’ve been told to not have any expectations on the Race, I fully expected to have several existential crises along the way. Now that expectation has been met (or at least I’ve had one mini crisis, I still anticipate some more).
Each day in Romania I’m never sure what I’ll be doing. One day I might be cleaning around the church, the next I’ll be doing street evangelism or helping at a kids club. It’s always a surprise. The first day we did street evangelism is when I was confronted with a challenge that led to my first World Race existential crisis.
It’s rather amusing really. I come on the Race fully expecting to preach the gospel in any way asked of me and wanting to be used by God to reach people, then as soon as I’m given the opportunity to go talk to people openly about God I want to run away and hide. I’m not the most outgoing person, but that’s absolutely no excuse. I expected to do street evangelism. The thought was intimidating because it doesn’t really fit my personality, but just because I don’t want to do it doesn’t mean that it isn’t good. I did what I could that day fighting through the mental blocks and came home feeling a bit miserable.
How selfish can I be? I’m willing to sacrifice what God is doing for my own comfort. Jesus gave up comfort and humbled himself to the most humiliating death possible, and I can’t muster up the courage to talk to another human being. These people need God, if they’re saved then I can be an encouragement, if they aren’t I can effectively tell them the best news there ever was, is, or will be. I say I’m here to do God’s work, love people, and declare truth; but when I’m given the most open opportunity I flounder, I have no follow through, I’m inconsistent.
I didn’t beat myself up too terribly, because I did what I could despite my discomfort. I had to process through it, and I had to give myself an attitude adjustment. It was rather sobering, but in a good way. I want to be confronted by my inconsistencies because that’s the only way to change them. I love the challenge, and as painful as it can be I love having an existential crisis because it provides the opportunity to turn more to God and make sure that my foundation is truly solid.
Also, the next time I was asked to do street ministry I had significantly less anxiety, and God definitely worked, at least in me.
