Hello! My name is Jen Doll, and I am an asthmatic. The doctors say it's exercise-induced asthma, but they still haven't been able to keep it under control. While I've never had a full blown attack, I still wheeze terribly and it's tough to be an athlete with uncontrollable breathing. I think the doctors missed something though, but I think God is using it to get to my heart…
To those who don't know me, I played college soccer.
[Toccoa Falls College Lady Eagles; I'm back row third from the right with the black headband]
Let's just say conditioning week was tough physically (3-a-days plus breathing issues) but also emotionally, because it was always my lungs that stopped me from running, not my legs giving out or sore muscles or exhaustion. I always felt second rate because I couldn't finish all the conditioning every day even though I started getting into shape before pre-season camp. But during conditioning and during the season I noticed a pattern, when I got frustrated about not being able to control my breathing I lost even more control over it. As a perfectionist who strives to perform well in every aspect of my life, I got anxious because I wasn't performing up to my standard of play. I allowed my frustration to consume me which gave way physically to constriction in my windpipe. My battle with asthma isn't just physical, but there is a mental battle as well. It's a mental battle that I usually lose, too. I never wanted to admit it though; I was ashamed that I wasn't strong enough to handle it or control it on my own.
In our travels from Albania to Bulgaria (and later Serbia), my asthma started to rear its ugly head again. I had to walk to my hostel with over 50 lbs strapped to my back. While it wasn't terrible, I didn't know how far we had to walk, I wasn't keeping up with the lead group, at one point we went up and down stairs, and my inhaler was not in reach. I couldn't control the situation; I was frustrated and tired, and I started to lose control. My reaction, thankfully, was to start praying. God reminded me that He loved me the same no matter what. I don't have to perform for Him, I just have to be for Him. This conversation with God showed me just how much I cling to control. I feel like I should be able to control myself in a manner way past being responsible, and when I think I'm losing control I either shut down or fight against it.
This mindset is changing this month. Ministry for my team is 'Unsung Heroes' which means that we are searching for new ministry contacts for AIM as well as looking for stories to share. This translates to having very little structure and very much living day by day, meaning I have very little control. I have to roll with whatever comes my way. It will be a challenge, but I need to get a real grasp that I really can control nothing, but God is the one in control. If I truly trust Him, then I don't need to control anything, I just need to obey Him.
