As I’ve been in India I have been learning about authority and power, specifically the authority and power God has given to His children. Indians are very spiritually aware and are not shy about asking for prayers for anything. Every day we go out into villages and pray for people in their homes, then we have a church service where we sing, share 2 testimonies and a message, and this is followed by praying for more people. We have not been lacking in opportunity to see healing and touch lives, and my prayer every day has been God, use me. I wanted to see Him work in big ways, I was craving it down to my bones.
So every day we go out. Every day I prayed God, use me. Please, use me to bring You glory. And I’ve prayed for fevers, body aches, swollen legs, barren women, mental illness, coconut oil meant to anoint people for healing and the list could just go on and on. Every day I prayed and poured out my heart for these people I had just met, and every day I saw no clear response to my prayers; swelling didn’t decrease, fevers didn’t break, joints still hurt, and every night on the way back home I would ask God why nothing was happening. God’s answer didn’t make sense to me at first…
Only I can satisfy.
Well, I came to the conclusion that I do not have the gift of healing, but that doesn’t mean that God can’t or won’t use me to bring healing. So I kept going out, and I kept praying. Still nothing seemed to happen. It was getting exhausting.
God, You have given authority to your children to heal the sick. I’ve tried to tell illness to leave from Your authority, I’ve sought for Your healing of these people, but I’m seeing nothing. I don’t understand. There’s no definite method, no guidelines I have to follow, it’s all on You. I have faith that You can do this, I’ve seen Your power to heal. Why won’t You use me?
Only I can satisfy.
Same answer God gave me before. Let the frustration commence and the doubt start to creep in. I simply didn’t understand that I was seeking self-satisfaction from an act of God rather than God himself. I wanted God to use me because of my pride. I was seeking encouragement from seeing a certain event happen rather than from God. I tricked myself into thinking I was being humble, and I still believe I was often being sincerely humble. I cannot control God no matter how hard I try. I also realized just because I don’t see the results of my prayers it doesn’t mean they are worthless and aren’t doing anything.
So I shall continue to go out. I will continue to pray for healing, and I will trust God to do what He will. He is the only One who can satisfy, that goes for me seeking to be used and it’s the same for the people seeking prayer. It isn’t on me to bring them satisfaction and healing, it’s all on God. All that is asked of me is to love God and be obedient.
