I stretched my hand out and hit the power button on my monitor… for the very last time.
I turned in my badge that I carried around for the last 4 or so years, my laptop, my nameplate and other things that belonged to my employer.
I took the elevator down to the lobby with a backpack full of my own things that I had at my desk and made my way out of the building. As I walked out, the building’s shadow was stretched all over the sidewalk making it’s presence behind me known and felt. But as I was walking, the shadow was gone, the sun shined, I could feel it on the back of my neck warming me through the freezing Pittsburgh air.
As I was walking I turned to take one last glance at all I was leaving. It hit me then and there that 2014 has been much like that walk I was taking away from my work – one of walking out from under the shadows.
In my life I’ve made so many decisions both good and bad that have created these shadows that have come in all forms, shapes and sizes. Shadows of insecurity lack of trust and fear; shadows of broken relationships, dead-end hopes, and bitterness. But this year, this year has been different. Those looming shadows that once covered my head were slowly day-by-day and month-by-month disappearing. God was rising second by second and throwing light even in the deepest darkest places.
I’ll never forget sitting at work and feeling so hopeless and feeling like I had nothing I could do for the Lord ever again because of the life I’ve created. It was here that He began to spark within me a calling that has slept dormant for far too long deep down in my heart for missions. As I wrote in my journal, I wrote, “Don’t be afraid to act.” I didn’t know what that meant or why I felt so strongly to write it down out of the blue. But what I couldn’t see was God using that word to lead me to sign up for the World Race and show me that He’s not done with me and He hasn’t put me on the shelf and out of His Kingdom work.
Shortly after that, I received a curious yet intriguing Facebook like on a photo from someone named Keri Reyes. What I didn’t know as I checked that notification was what God had planned to show me about His love, His faithfulness, and about what a true God-centered and mission-minded relationship should look like through this amazing woman.
What once was a life filled with lack of hope and lack of direction and failure, God provided direction and leading and assurance that He was in charge and willing to use my brokenness. Not only use it, but HEAL it. Where the ashes of relationships were heaped up, He made the most beautiful rose grow in the form of the most loving, faithful, selfless, and beautiful woman I’ve ever known named Keri. I never thought I would trust someone again. I never thought I could be so loved by another human being. Yet again, God was rising and blessing and leading and providing.
2014 has been a walk out of the shadows and a walk into the things that God has planned all along despite my sin, my unwillingness to submit, and my fears – all for His honor and for His glory.
As I looked at this building that used to cast a shadow on my path and where I sought my provision, my security, my meaning I turned and walked away. I’m walking away from all the things that I used in His place. God is my provider. God is my hope. God is the keeper of my soul and the source of my strength. God claims me as His own. God speaks into my life about who I am. God provides us with gifts that we don’t deserve and could never obtain on our own. God restores love and establishes the home. It is Him.
God’s faithfulness is absolutely unimaginable and unfathomable. I can’t grasp how or why He’s so good to me. He’s lead me to the World Race and to a woman that is willing to walk by my side following Jesus and loving me and speaking truth into me. He’s turned all my ashes into beauty. Out of the pouring rain He’s created the most beautiful and breathtaking of oceans.
No more walking in the shadows. I’m taking His hand and grabbing hers and walking ahead, come what may.
