Oh brokeness, how truly bitter sweet you are….
We had training camp this last week and can I just say, it was the hardest week of my life? I went into this whole thing thinking ok…. there'll be 3 levels of this….1) The physical elemet: I got this! I lived out of a van for a year with another guy, I lived in close quarters on a boat! I've lived out of a suitcase the last 3 years! 2) The Spiritual: I mean… They'll be teaching on signs, wonders, miracles, and missions but….let's be real here…I'm Jedediah Johnson! I went to Bethel! I've got this!!!! 3) The human interaction: I used to work for a missions organization with a lot more people from a lot more backgrounds than this! I'm a social machine and am all about making people feel loved and appreciated, I'm a natural leader! I've got this!!!!
………………………………………I didn't have this…………………………………….
I'm still not sure if I have this…. but I'm getting there. This is not gonna be my most eloquent blog simply cause I have no idea how to really put everything that's happened this last week into words but let me try my best…
I spent all week having my guts torn out of me…. Every sliver of who I've known myself to be was pulled out from under me…. I didn't pray for just one easy day, I prayed for one single hour where I didn't cry and could feel confident in any way shape or form… I can't even put into words how many times I got called on things that nobody's every called me on in my life such as "Jed, you use laughter to cover vulnerability, you need to stop doing that." or "Jed, I'm not trying to avoid you, it's just that when you're around it always feels like you're trying to impress me and I don't need to be impressed, I just need to see the real you." People talk about inner healing feeling like having splinters pulled, where it hurts on the way out but if you leave it it'll fester? To heck with splinters…. I had a flippin tree trunk ripped out of my chest and it's left such a huge open hole that God has swooped in on and in my tenderest, most broken moments, has begun to rebuild and reteach in to remind me of who I really am. "Jed, God wants to remind you that your identity stems from being a son and because of that you carry unlimited favor and blessing" Oh shoot! That's right! How did I ever forget that??
Things that did not go the way I expected on this trip that I'm so thankful for:
1) I was not the center of attention, nor the superstar. Thank.You.Jesus.
2) I am not a team leader. God is painfully uncovering and dealing with the lie that says if I'm not in a position of leadership, I don't carry value. It hurts sooooo good.
3) We are not going to Ireland!! We'll be going to Turkey instead. My heart can barely contain the excitement, especially over the polar opposites of the two countries.
4) I did not spend the whole week pouring out on people and leading them into freedom. Some of that still happened but I was such a mess that even when I tried to minister, people would come up to me and give me some word that just turned me into putty and I had to spend more time in brokeness.
5) My dreams didn't grow crazier, they grew deeper. I went into this trip with the dreams of "Give counsel to 5 heads of state", or "raise a baby from the dead". Those still exist but through the lense of intimacy and have began to look more like "God, I have no idea how to really love people, if you teach me how to whole heartedly love people and that's it, I'll be so blessed. "God, I don't have a clue how to serve, your word says you didn't come to be served but to serve, teach me that."
6) I'm not in competition, I'm in relationship. I've spent so long with such crazy competitive drive that it's transferred into my christian world and thus when other people are around me who carry what I want, my insecurities show and I find myself having to try and outdo them. I'm not in competition, I'm in covenant relationship and what I don't carry, I need these people to come beside me for, just like how I carry what they don't and in this way we compliment eachother.
7) It is ok for me to admit brokeness. I think sometimes we take this identity thing so far that it doesn't leave room to be able to actually work on our issues. We get so caught up in no longer being sinners but saints that, while this statement is true, we get so focused on speaking life that we close all doors for actually admitting brokeness and allowing room for our issues to get dealt with.
8) True love stems from intimacy. I've known the right things to do and say for a long time and yet my heart hasn't been there and thus it's been warped. "Jed, you're hard to talk to sometimes because 75% of the convo ends up about you and only 25% about me and so I always feel overwhelmed or like you don't actually care about what I have to say." Oh Lord, teach me what intimacy looks like and how to always make people feel the most valued they've ever felt in their whole lives.
9) It is ok to not look like what my standard of a good life looks like. One of my issues for a long while has been masks or white lies because I have a fear that if people really see who I am, what I can do, or what my history is, they'll be unimpressed and I'll be overlooked. That's a lie from the pit of hell and there's something amazing to be said about rawness that leaves an opening for people to be able to connect with me.
Anyways, this blogs getting huge cause I'm just pouring my heart out for the world to see however that looks so… I'ma go ahead and wrap it up. If you have further questions for me about it, please feel free to contact me, even if I don't know you, I'm so happy to share. I can honestly say I love you all so much and you're the most fantastic support group.
Also, final note, I'm officially about 50% funded but I reeeeeeeeeeeeally feel like God's telling me I'm gonna be fully funded before I launch so if you'd like to be a part of that, pleeeease click on the support me tab on the left hand side of this page. Thanks so much:)
