I never figured this was gonna happen to me but I've spent these last two weeks in such a slump and questioning this trip which….let's just be honest, so isn't my style. Since signing up, I've had 3 seperate pastors who's ministry I had the chance to be a part of ask me if I was really sure that this trip was what God has for me and honestly it's just kinda shaken me and prolly was the little bit to push me over the edge stressin it wise and has gotten me so wrapped up in an illusion of what my life should be right now but is just a pale shadow of what God's really got for me in this next season. I've been so stressed about finances and the lack thereof, exhausted from striving so hard to make things happen, and nostalgic of the "good old days" of yachting where I always had more than I needed and could have had my trip paid off by now (and of course, forgetting that I was never happy there and straitup depressed and so lost) vs being in a family and community that loves me and I them and where I get to partner with them to see the Olympic Penninsula get radically impacted by the love of an abundant Father.
I've spent the morning just hanging out alone with Jesus in the studio and listening to music that kinda brings about an atmosphere to dream and reading blogs, just getting refreshed and rejuvenated based off of the testimonies of others on the race and really working on stirring up a passion again for what I'm getting ready to do. It's so funny that I could ever hit a point of kinda dreading how quickly this was coming. This kind of stuff is what I was made for! I've been pushing for this for the last 8 months and it's finally crunch time.
Point being, I'm making a new declaration, and Papa God, I want you to hold me to every word I say in here, even if I down the line decide I can't stand you for it while in the moment:
God right now I just submit to everything you have in mind for me.
I give you my right to be comfortable, I give you my right to understand what is happening and why.
I give you my right to understand how this trip will ever get paid off.
I give up my american dream, my fincancial security, my comfortable bed, my dream of a log cabin, hot showers, trendy outfits, delicious coffee, sailing, women, electronics, longboards, or even the simple joy of a nice porch-pipe smoke with friends.
I give all this up because you are so much better than anything I could ever think, ask, or imagine.
You're my beloved, my protector, my shield, my Daddy, and my salvation.
If I live on the streets alone for the rest of my life but daily get to taste and see your presence, I'll do it.
Use me Papa, however you see fit cause you know my skills, dreams, and desires even better than I do.
I committ my attitude, my dreams, my desires, my strengths, my weaknesses, my fears, and my hopes to you.
Do whatever you want with them.
I do and say all of this because I firmly believe, and my whole being knows that I have been made for a purpose and a destiny, that you always have the best in mind for me, and that if I don't stand up and say I will go, millions could dieand that cannot be my legacy.
Stretch my dreams beyond my wildest fantasies and then make them come true.
You are my heart.
Amen
