Loss for Gain
Loss of identity… drowning, screaming, walking just to walk without a real purpose, is seemingly a good description of my last few months. Stepping into to this “World Race” of servant hood to the nations with a good solid sense of optimism was my honest intention. In time, a sense of hard core reality surfaced. Never saw the impact of the affects of loss and emotions that would be felt leaving behind “my” world, I slowly entered into several hard months of shock, reality and processing of what was really gone.
My creativity and gifting being used in teaching, home, women ministry…gone. The realization of how alive I am when the Lord works through me in these areas brought anguish and a small sense of despair due to it being… gone! Independence, freedom, ownership…gone. Blond hair, long hair, familiar identity…gone. Community, those who know you inside and out, being accepted for yourself because your heart is known and fully accepted, walking freely in who you are without reservation…gone. A church family, solid teaching, corporate worship…gone. Family, birthdays, holidays…gone. All these emotions and much more bombarding me… feeling at loss of where I fit in , what role, and gifting do I use, what is my identity in this new world ?
All of this was crashing in at once. Trying to figure out whether I enjoy teaching anymore and what to do when resentment creeps in any time I teach English, preschool, or do a children’s program. I was called from it for this year but find that my “mission” world is surrounded with it.
Confusion, and mixed emotions are left to sort out. Leadership? What does that look like? An official role back home gave me freedom to use God’s wisdom, insight, creativity to step forward and disciple women who were seeking it. Leadership there is handed out and equipped to anyone responding to the calling. Now I enter into a world where my sensitivity and insight doesn’t want to over step “the leaders” but at the same time screaming to be utilized and serve in ways I know I am gifted in.
LORD HELP! I came here humbly trusting you! This community living was the least of my concerns. People…I get along with them…I‘ll love them because they love you…what are the other teams talking about?…I’ve lived with roommates for years and it is has been just fine………………BUT unfamiliarity’s, personalities, huge age differences, insights, interests, insecurities…effected the ideal to which I had held and it soon became the overwhelming looming challenge! My peeps who can read me, give me affirmation, affection, challenge me, pray with me, laugh and act silly with me,…gone.
At the same time knowing this is where I am to be pushed me into walking in honesty and crying out to the Lord for His intercession. After grieving over these real emotions … they were handed over to Him. PRAYER…step into it…I heard others and Himself speak to me. “I Am” is NOT gone!
Prayer…A huge aspect I had in my life of accountability for the past two years and it too was …gone. The impact of this discipline and life line for change wasn’t viewed to me as an immediate loss. I still had my own prayer time, daily team prayer, but the kind where the Lord helps me in a certain area of my life daily to grow was absent. That is what was needed!
As always, truth prevailed… “I prayed to the Lord, and he answered me, freeing me from all of my fears. Those who look to Him for help will be radiant with joy; no shadow of shame will darken their faces. I cried out to the Lord in my suffering and he heard me. He set me free from all of my fears.” Psalm 34:4-6.
With a gentle command He called me into a life of stepping into His truth and not letting other people determine who I am… not to please man but GOD. A prayer of three simple yet difficult commands was spoken to me. One–To walk boldly in my gifting/passions,-not to rely on man’s emotions/attitudes about me. Be who HE created me to be! TWO-To hold every thought (doubts, attacks, lies) captive and hand it over to the Lord. Three– If I feel certain feelings /and emotions/reactions from others than I am to lift them up in prayer. Intercede for them on things I feel the Lord has giving me insight on.
FREEdom prevailed. The oppression, bondage, attacks/lies, was slowly broken. Sure; loss, sadness, loneliness, and emptiness at times still prevail. But those were felt even in the security and safeness of my former life. BUT what broke through was the truth that even though all the familiarities and goodness of my life back home is momentarily…gone, my God my Father, my Redeemer, and Savior never was and will never be…gone. His truth reigns in me, my friendships with my team, ministries, my gifts and talents, in every aspect. He won’t leave me nor forsake me in this new life, new world, and community that He ordained for me!
I know that I am to be here. No doubt… I also know that HE needs to be in every aspect of it. I have many losses as does all of mankind. I’m learning though that when I hand over my losses, fears, and insecurities, then I gain His truth, wisdom, understanding, insight, love, grace, fulfillment…The daily question is… will I remember and choose to do it?
