I was in anticipation about going to an orphanage and just being with the children. Over this past year, before I left for Africa, God had stirred in me a new vision and desire toward loving and taking care of orphans. I loved working with children in teaching so this had been a new and surprising direction. It also had been spoken out in prayer about how God will use me to love and help orphans. Not knowing to what extent, I had been willing to be openhanded and walk where He wanted me to.
I had been teaching in the inner city for nine years where there was a sense of reality of hardship everywhere. Poverty, lack of parenting, oppression, abuse, and hopelessness prevailed among the community. This created a sense of reality that tended to harden my heart. I was still very loving but my compassion was more guarded because this is what I had to see and experience on a daily basis. This was something I was aware of and had been asking God to change, if it was affecting my response to the need of His people.
As I have gone over the past weeks to the orphanage, I had no expectations of anything, therefore I just went. There has been no teaching or instructing, just loving. It has been such an amazing healing and filling up time. Every occurrence with the children has given me such insight to their lives. They are just children, living day by day, surviving and doing it with such fullness and grace. With each passing day my heart has begun to really love them. I don’t mind the pulling and holding hands, the photo opportunities that they beg for, and embracing the ones desperate for touch. I want to be there! My spirit longs to be there.
As my heart has been awakened to new senses and filled with fine tuned emotions; bit by bit my heart has been torn apart and is truly breaking. I found myself asking God what will happen to them. My heart really questioned their future and wanted so badly to be apart of helping them.
My mind is not only being filled with the orphans but also the children on the streets that we see working daily that beg you to buy their merchandise. It is so heart breaking when you have to pass by with a bent head to avoid their asking. I can’t help all of them and it has brought discouragement. In the mist of one of my thought processes I screamed out” God what are you doing about them?!!! What future do they have, who will love them, care for them, teach and guide them into adult hood? Where are you in their future?” Tears and emotions began to overwhelm me. I was a mess, which seems to be where He wants me!
Throughout the weeks I have felt the brief doubts that God is far removed from all of this. I have been in the mode that only I have been feeling these intense feelings of compassion and love. Even in my questioning stage He has not left me with out answers or hope. His truth of scripture has been running through my brain. They are all filled with Christ’s words about His intense love and focus on the children and orphans of this world! I can picture clearly Jesus loving, embracing and playing with each child. “Anyone who welcomes a little child like this on my behalf welcomes me…” Let the children come to me. Don’t stop them! For the kingdom of Heaven belongs to such as these…”, then He took the children in his arms and placed His hands on their heads and blessed them.
” Pure and lasting religion in the sight of God our Father means that we must care for orphans and widows in their troubles , and refuse to let the world pollute us.” James 1:27
I realized every moment Jesus’ heart was breaking, is breaking for the children. He has experienced every emotion and insight that I have. It struck me hard that Christ isn’t removed at all from this! He is the biggest advocate for the children who are orphaned, poor, abandoned, and surviving daily to provide means for their family. Then a blow of reality came to me; “Lord it’s me that is far removed! Your people are removed. I, we, have become self focused and not kingdom minded. I have lost the “true, lasting, fulfilling” religion that you want me to embrace and fulfill!” I just became so immune to the realities around me and thus became far removed from embracing compassion, love and involvement with orphans and children who need my love.
But now I am wrecked! I have bonded with two brothers who I extremely care for. The eleven year old Sopeak and the 14 yr old Sophea have captured my heart. In my spirit the battle begins again, of” Lord if only I was married, and able to adopt”….and the list goes on. But He quickens in my spirit the daily reminder and struggle I face of trusting Him in all things. So I have been struggling daily to take these intense feelings of love for these boys and hold them captive and hand them over to Him. The real struggle is with not being able to do anything, so God has been showing me that prayer, patience and loving them for “that day” is what He’s calling me to do.
I covet your prayers on this! I haven’t felt this wrecked before. But I am grateful that God has allowed my compassion to grow and that I am not far removed from what He feels daily about us. This intense, overwhelming love for His children.
