There is a question I constantly get asked when it comes to the world race, "Are you excited yet?" The answer is NO!!! I am NOT excited about the world race. When it comes to the world race I feel nervous and overwhelmed. There are a million and things that I need to do before I leave and im constantly wondering how in the world am I going to get it all done. Then there are times where I feel extremely sad. I think of my family and my friends and I feel sad knowing that I must leave them for a year to go on this journey. I find myself getting so sad and on the verge of tears when im at events or just enjoying times of fellowship and bonding with friends because It hurts to think about how much I will miss them. I know I haven't been handling these emotions well because truthfully I have chosen to just not deal with it. When I start to think about leaving my family, friends and my life behind the feelings I feel are mostly hurt instead of excitement. But I continually push these feeling down or to the backburner of my mind. A part of me feels like I should cry and pray but I just don't because I don't want to deal with the realness of the situation. The truth of it all is, in a few weeks my life will change and im having a hard time transitioning and detaching from the one im in now. So for all those who keep asking and want to know, here is how I really feel: Im scared and sad Im going to miss my mommy Im going to miss my dad, and I haven't had a chance to really talk to him about this I don't want to die on the race (yea, its a crazy thought) I ABSOLUTLEY DONT WANT TO GO TO TRAINING CAMP! TRAINING CAMP?!!!! AINT NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT!! I need to fundraise but I don't have time Who is going to buy all this stuff I hate packing and I need to sell all this stuff so I don't have to pack it Im going to miss my church and im scared I wont meet people who I will connect well with on the race Im going to miss my friends I wish I had more time to spend with my family and friends I DONT WANT TO GO TO TRAINING CAMP! ITS SOOOO IN THE WAY! Work is overwhelming me Im going to miss my youth group I don't want to cry but sometimes I come so close to letting the floodgates open People keep asking me if im having a going away party but all that does is remind me that im leaving I don't want to have left and not get a chance to spend time with my family To avoid these thought I entertain mindless behaviors and thoughts to take my mind far away from these things. I don't want to leave my family!!! I need to take some time to send thank you's to all my supporters, I don't want to seem ungrateful and im sure I seem ungrateful I need time to spend with God preparing for this journey I need more hours in the day I cant wait to quit my job! But even with all these thoughts, there are moments when the excitement and anticipation of this trip swell up and overwhelm me. I know I have been called to this. Just because my feelings are not all rose colored all the time does not change that. I know im going on this trip. I know God will change me and teach me many things. I know I will have fun and learn a lot at training camp even though I don't want to go. And I know it will all go by in a flash and ill be back before I know it. So am I excited? I guess the answer is No and Yes.
