this is really allover the place. forwarning. Maybe back out now before you get sucked in. Xo
the capacity of God really gets my feeble mind sometimes.
I can’t grasp it. So I don’t think about it a lot. But sometimes it catches me. And I’m just left vulnerable and bewildered.
Seriously, one of the most legitimately only ways I can sort of understand how God loves, is when I think of mesekerem.
I met mesko in ethiopia and only knew her in person for 2 and a half months.
and 6 months later I still struggle to put any of me and mesko into words. Nothing ever does it justice. I’ve never been impacted by anyone in the way that she impacted me.
I just sit and think and cry and cry. And then cry some more because my love toward mesekerem is nothing compared to God’s love toward her or me or anyone.
and God, I just don’t know how You do it. I’m so serious. It doesn’t make sense. I feel like my chest could literally explode. I don’t have the capacity to handle this amount of love toward a person. And You have 8billion+ people. This is just one.
and somehow this love I somehow developed without capacity for, ceases to stop growing.
An 8 year old girl that I’ve only known in person for 2 and a half months. That I didn’t even mean to connect with. That I avoided really hard. That somehow just kept showing up. This girl that makes me cry. That’s ripped up things I made for her right in front of my face. This girl that spent weeks making my mom a bracelet. This girl that could make me belly laugh.
Crying is really significant to me because I don’t do it a lot and it always represents something extreme- love, hurt, joy, etc. it’s always really extreme. So I’ve learned to pay close attention when I start to cry because it means something big.
Whenever I think mesko, the tears follow. The real ugly ones or the sweet memory ones.
i, in all honesty, have tried to move on. Have tried to just forget. I seriously have. But I can’t. I just can’t let go. I just can’t keep her from entering my mind. I can’t push her out no matter how hard I try.
ever since I’ve been back people wanna know what the “trip” was like and “oh what a great experience you got to have” and “what’s the next step.” But when I think about what happened these last 9 months, I think mesekerem. I think about the out of body feelings i feel- That I keep trying to put into words that will not come. And when I think next step, i just say idk or make up some lame american answer and ask God to watch over mesko and Lord willing let me see her again.
and I just don’t know what to do or say sometimes when my mind and heart just are not here. I’ve tried to bring them back to me. but they don’t come back. And I’m not frustrated, I’m grateful.
i just don’t get how God can function with all these people He’s in love with when I can’t function only knowing one, for 2 months. It is so beyond my mind.
and I don’t say that in a bad way, It gives me more reason to marvel at Him.
He has capacity. He hasn’t just known us for 2 months but since before we were born. I don’t have to understand.
My heart just aches. In good ways, in sad ways, in reckless abandon ways.
I was a chunky kid and my sister had a lisp and stutter, and when someone would come around and have something to say about either of these things and my momma was around, I honestly felt sorry for the person speaking. I can hear her voice saying it, “don’t you talk about my baby.” “Hey you better watch your mouth.” And then she’d just be boiling over it
She was ready to fight when someone had the slightest of negative notion to say about her babies.
Thats how i, in one way feel. I would lay someone clean out over this kid. Just like my momma would over her chunky and lisp talking brats. Whether she was fond of us in the moment or not, she rocked for us.
I just think love is kind of funny.
my mom didn’t mean to love us. It just happened.
I didn’t mean to love mesekerem, it just happened.
I didn’t mean to love God. It just happened.
Deep love always takes us by storm. It’s so messy. It makes you look like a fool. It makes you want to fight and cry and runaway and never leave. It’s completely unexplainable. I couldn’t tell you how my mom loves me. I don’t have a word for it. I can’t tell you how God loves me. I don’t believe there’s a human word for it. but I know. I just know. These are loves that leave me feeling secure.
and I don’t know how I love mesekerem but I know I do.
I don’t know how people have kids.
i guess I’m just 19 but.
God is wild. I’m just thinking out loud. if you’ve made it this far I’m sorry.
I have a really uncrowded, clear mind. I can just not think for hours if I wanted to. things that go in and out of my mind are very filtered and paid attention to. I don’t dream much at all. If I look like I’m not thinking, I am not thinking. I like to shut my mind off and sit in solitude where the only person in access to me is God.
last night I had a dream. i was in the worldrace training center but it was dark and set up like a cafeteria but it was also a music festival and all 6 squads that we had launched with were there. And this like uhaul truck backs into the building and opens up and all the HOPEthiopia kids run out of the truck to our squad. And I wasn’t paying attention but then look over and mesekerem is running straight at me with her arms wide open and she jumps on me and we hug so tight and cry so hard and then just hangout for the day and then have dinner and they load back up and that was it. But I woke up feeling different. Filled with a level of joy I haven’t felt in a long time. I felt like I had actually hugged her. Like it was real.
I don’t think I can forget about mesko because God doesn’t want me to. I don’t know what that means but I just know in my knower that that’s what’s up. I tell God I’ll be okay if I don’t see her again in this earthly life, but I think He knows how badly that hurts my feelings. We will see how everything plays out. I trust my God. He works everything out for the good of those that love Him. And I know I love Him so whatever happens is for my good thanks to God. So thanks God. I love you with my heart. -j
// one time mesko and I were walking up to the guesthouse and it was just me and her, no one else was around, and we had been walking around the compound holding hands and just talking and she looked at me and said, “jaynna why do you like me?” And I couldn’t put into words why I liked her, I. Just. Did. You can’t explain a God thing. But I said because you’re amazing. Because you make me laugh. Because I always have so much fun when I’m with you. Because you’re just my friend and I just like you mesko.
and i said why do you like me? And she said because “you so nice. And you sleep with me. And you so beautiful.”
and I just don’t think she could put this thing into words either lol.
// I used to sleep in mesekerem’s house a lot during the end of ethiopia. And we would drag the little mattresses into one room and all 6 kids plus me would sleep on the floor together. It was amazing. we would all wake up around 6:30/7 the next morning and prep breakfast and put their school uniforms on and hug goodbye until the afternoon and I’d go to the guesthouse.
I don’t like sharing my Ethiopia memories. I don’t like sharing about what God and I are doing. I don’t like sharing. I don’t know why I wrote any of this. I just do not know
i feel like blogs don’t always portray people’s hearts. Which leads me to think that they are then pointless. Because what you sow is what you’ll see product of in the harvest. So when we’re guarded and not letting our hearts out, the product of the harvest isn’t going to be heartchanging. If we’re sowing a bunch of “eloquent,” put together sentences, we’re going to just get people who can create sentences that sound good. But if we sow heart, we will in turn receive a harvest of hearts.
I don’t think that probably made any sense to you and I’d be really surprised if you even made it this far, but that’s why I try to share. Try to share my heart. Because I desire to see a harvest of changed hearts. Maybe even hearts that struggle to put things into words. But on fire. And burning. Words aren’t the part that matters
