True heart knowledge of your love.
It's what I wanted to feel, to experience, and to know with every fiber of my being. This is and was my prayer. This is my heart's desire. It is what I was missing. I've been seeking your love and never even knew it. It took me years to realize that your love didn't end at the cross. Salvation wasn't the end goal. You desire so much more.
All this time I've been looking at your back and thinking it was your face. I never imagined there was more to you or to our relationship. But you wanted so much more. You wanted so much more of me. You aren't content for me to remain in this place of constant striving for your approval. My works and human efforts mean nothing to you without your love. My heart and my love for others is incomplete and immature unless I am filled with your unconditional love to the point of overflowing. My very existence would be shallow and wasted if I never truly experienced and knew that your love was, is and will always be there for me.
Luckily, you knew all of this. You knew the desires of my soul before my lips uttered them for the first time. You saw the pieces of my heart I tried to force unsuccessfully together. You recognized that I was ready to know more of you. And so you brought me here to this place. This place of love, acceptance and family.
Here in the community of Oceanview I have begun to feel your love. I found myself in a family and your love for me was evident. My host family demonstrated how even a stranger can become family. They lived out the model of family you set out when you first created man and woman. With every greeting and act of loving kindness, I understand more of how you feel about me. With every late night conversation and shared experience, I began to see the intimacy you had in mind for each of us. You rocked my world, shattered my expectations, and threw my perception of you upside down. You stripped of the pain, loneliness, and shame of never measuring up to the man I thought I should be. You showed me the power of love, the significance of a goodnight hug, and the joy given life by the laughter shared by a family.
I cannot thank you enough for the second family you have given me in South Africa. I will not forget them or the real, unconditional love they showed me. This month has shattered my expectations. It has exceeded my wildest imaginations. You have begun to heal the hurts I never knew I felt. Now the image of your back is starting to be replaced by your glorious countenance. I can't wait to see you in your true glory and experience the depth of your love for me.
I am past the point of no return. Nothing less than the heart knowledge of your amazing love will do for me, your son. I can no longer settle for anything less. My heart can no longer deny what it has been missing. Papa, continue the work you have done in me. Bring me from this place of brokenness into your loving embrace. Never let me go! Don't let me forget the way you love me so completely. I want to remain in you and for you to remain in me.
“I’ve loved you the way my Father has loved me. Make yourselves at home in my love. If you keep my commands, you’ll remain intimately at home in my love. That’s what I’ve done—kept my Father’s commands and made myself at home in his love.
John 15:9-10
