This is not emotional or super dark and suicidal, this is meant to be a glimpse into my life and the glory of God. There is no possible way I could ever explain the amount of things I have deliberately done to become who I am and to get where I am. I have lied, cheated, stole, manipulated, controlled and misled many things to get what I wanted out of life. Not everything I did was for materialistic things, sometimes it was much worse like an emotional high or physical satisfaction, but it was all for me, myself and I. Therefore I spent a lot of years hurting people I cared about in some twisted yet intentional way.
When I was young, about 11 years old, I made a decision to accept Christ into my life. I thought all I had to do was say it and make my life look like a life with Christ then God would fix all the things I thought were problems in my life. I went through a course at my church followed by my profession of faith. I lived the "super Jesus" life and was studies in all things Christian for about a year and a half but later realized how selfish my heart was in doing all those things. I foolishly thought if I did this thing for God, He would fix all the things which I saw as problems in my life. Obviously my life didn't go the way I thought it would. Starting around 12 1/2 I started "dating" and lying incessantly (dating at 12 doesn't really mean or count for much). I was mad at my parents for making my life "hell" but still providing a life so comfortable as if to mask the suck situation they knew we were in. Not to say this is what my parents were actually doing hence it saying "as if."
From 12 1/2 through 19 I had two lives, my home life and my "real world" life. At home I was who I truly was. Outside of home I was perceived as some one who never actually existed but because of the lies and back story people knew about me they thought I was some sort of bad ass. At 13 I started dating a woman whom later became my fiance. Through junior high and high school I made friends with a lot of bad people but never joined in the bad acts mostly because of my relationship; I didn't want to drag her into a lifestyle I should have never been in to begin with. My relationship with my patents was not unlike most teenage child's with the exception of mine being entirely fake. I created problems and hardships as a sort of revenge because of all the wicked and evil I had let into my life.
��������������������������������������������� Apology For My Mother And Father
I spent a lot of years wanting a hard life not knowing what it meant for you to be giving me this life I have. I manipulated you and many situations in my youth to make life more difficult because I had too good of a life, not understand how amazing it was but wanting a harder life. I created problems and caused drama out of nothing at all. I put myself in situations of less than favourable conditions knowing all too well the outcome and consequences because I received pleasure and enjoyment from the reactions and discipline given. I disrespected the life you provided for me and had no justification to do so. My apology is many years too late and probably not perceived the same when read as if it where to be heard. Nonetheless I am sorry for my many dissatisfying actions and deliberate manipulations; for my blatant disrespect of who my mother and father are and the life you worked so hard to provide for me. You are both amazing and Godly people who handled my frustrations with love and patience. I love you both!
Right, I'm 19 years old and God completely wrecked my life in order to make Himself the only thing of value and worth which I had left. Not only did He wreck me, He started talking to me. From the first lonely day of being wrecked in my truck/home God has done a lot of removing Jason and replacing it with Himself, giving me my identity in Him. I don't like Jason, I truly dislike myself. On the other hand I love Christ and his father and enjoy the Christ which has replaced myself. My life as Jason sucked and I was falsely happy with my old life. As Christ enters my life more and more, I find myself more and more legitimately happy. To say the least, I Am Happier Without Me.
I did a lot of terrible things, hurt a lot of innocent people and possibly ruined a couple of peoples lives but God rescued me from the destructive life I was living. Day by day God redeems those things I left in my past and uses all things for His glory. God used my disobedience to transform my faith into something radically different. I had to die to become happy. As it says in 2 Samuel 14:14, "Like water spilled on the ground, which cannot be recovered, we must die. But God does not just sweep life away; instead, He devises ways to bring us back when we have been separated from Him."
As He leads me,
Jason
Post Script – Future racers be advised! If you think your 11 months are going to be about finding your identity in Christ, I am sorry to tell you it doesn't work like that. Will God change you and identify certain parts of who you are, absolutely, but if you don't know who you are in Christ, it won't magically come from the race. People who find their identity on the race find it despite the race not because of it. Your relationship with God should not be environment based or community based meaning where you are and who you are with should have no affect on your relationship with God. Your relationship with God is determined by how much you seek and obey Him; it comes from intimacy with Him not longitude and latitude. If you are not seeking Him you'll never find Him. Seek Him always in all things and obey Him unconditionally.
