This past month has been an interesting change from the usual host-ministry setup. As a team, we’ve been on our own, scouting the country, meeting people, following leads, and making connections for our parent ministry, Adventures in Missions. Through this experience, we’ve gotten to know so many great people, see and experience their ministries, and get a taste for what it’d be like for teams of racers to partner with each of them in the future.
Chance connections? Hardly. Unlikely meeting times and places, certainly, but definitely preplanned and orchestrated by someOne. It has been incredible to have no plan, but to see things unfold and fall into place in front of us. And yes, the list above is incomplete, but it gives an idea of how things went down this month.
There were many things I loved about our assignment for Nicaragua: the autonomy given to us as a team (we’re a pretty self-motivated, self-driven team, so it worked out well to have no established schedule, but just pursue the options in front of us—and I love not having a schedule!), getting to meet so many great people and seeing different parts of the country. The latter was definitely my favorite. It made it hard to think of leaving. Being paired for a month with any one person/ministry we found would’ve been awesome, but getting to see and meet them all was truly incredible! I felt like I got such a broad perspective on what’s happening in the country as a result of this assignment.
However, it wasn’t all fun and exciting. There was real life, as always. (As I’ve said before, this experience—traveling constantly plus living in community—is just normal life, but on steroids. The race is certainly not all fun and exciting. The highs and lows are perhaps both more dramatic than life at home, but it’s real life, nonetheless.
One of my challenges this month was following well. Yes, I’m trying to learn to support a leader fully, yet offer my perspective when appropriate. I found myself at times this month being critical, proud, or thinking I was smarter or knew better than those making decisions for the group. In those situations, I tend to either say nothing at all (and stuff my feelings), or be obnoxious with my opinions. So I’m in the process of attempting to learn to be honest, yet respectful of those in leadership. Additionally, I want to use these opportunities of not being in leadership to learn how to lead well from people with different gifts and abilities than my own.
Some truths I reflected on this month:
- I am loved, chosen, and adopted by God
- I am fully equipped to fulfill my calling
- I have the capacity to live life abundant here and now
- I am invited to be a friend of God
- There is a unique plan and purpose for me, designed by my Creator
- I have a distinctive combination of gifts and abilities perfectly matched to my calling
- God has given me all I need to live this life well; I was shorted nothing
- Jesus’ life, death, and resurrection has made me worthy, whole, spotless
- I have been freely forgiven, extravagantly loved
- Nothing was held back, either in the initial creation of me, or in the continual fulfillment of my purpose
- I am both known and loved by this amazing God and Father
- He has been engaged in my life from the beginning; not absent, but fully present
- I am infinitely loved, valued
But yes, there were tough days. Days in which all I could see was the negative stuff—in the people around me, how I was feeling, in the circumstances in which we found ourselves… At one point, I wrote the following in my journal:
I just want to go into a cave and hide. And complain. That sounds justifiable. Too bad it’s a physical impossibility [on the race]. Why’d I sign up for this again?
How does one just change attitude and get on board with something they’re not at all enjoying or engaged in? I felt pretty clueless. Still do, actually. But taking time to think and write out my thoughts and feelings started to do something. Yet so much of the time I felt tired, “foggy”. I started listing things that were possibly keeping me in a cycle of emotional disengagement and exhaustion:
- physical exhaustion due to not sleeping well, not eating enough [protein], or lack of exercise?
- not getting recharged because of a lack of vulnerability/meaningful relationships due to fear of being known? (I sound like I’m writing nursing diagnoses L.)
- or something else?
I was so tired of feeling constantly drained and exhausted (this has probably been my greatest challenge so far on the race). I knew part of what I was feeling resulted from not having a really close community, but who has energy to make that happen? Yet I realized that love is a choice sometimes. It involves risk. It involves being known. Big sigh. (Why is that so scary?) So, I mentally chose to love my teammates: those closest to me, the ones I do life with. To honor, prefer, pursue, and be known. Like I said, it was a mental choice. Not sure how far it has moved towards reality, but it’s a step.
The next step is to find what I have to contribute to the team. To make a space for myself. To realize I have something of value to contribute. To find my voice even, but to use it graciously. To drop my defenses. To realize it’s more important to be real than perfect (though I may have to remind myself of this again). To learn to be me.
Simple, really. But that’s where I’m at. Learning the basics of everyday life in various contexts, cultures, and continents.
-sara
P.S. For those of you who are faithfully attempting to track our progress on a globe, we’re in route from Nicaragua to the Philippines, via Los Angeles, CA (where we are presently for a 20 hour layover). We’ll be arriving in the capital, Manilla (the most densely populated city in the world), on November 3rd. A few long travel days ahead and some intense jet-lag coming up! We could use your prayers for health and a smooth transition to Asia. Thank you!!!
