Ok, so this month was kind of tough. I’m really not sure where to begin. Conflict seemed to a reoccurring theme. Not overt conflict, but a lot of inner conflict—both within myself and within others to whom I was relating. And yes, perhaps between a few of us.
I tend to see truth pretty clearly. Historically, I’ve not always done well communicating this truth to others without offending them and/or damaging relationships, so my personal solution was silence. I do want people to feel loved and cared for in my presence, so I’ve focused on listening well. And not speaking my thoughts. (I’ve had periods where I fought hard against this tendency, but have usually given up because it’s too difficult and people are “too sensitive”.) Over the past month or two, I’ve tried again to be more direct and speak what comes to me. To see and articulate the truth of someone else’s situation. To fight for others through having those hard conversations [and tons of prayer].
Yes, it has been difficult—there were heartbreaking situations, with lots of tears and prayers on behalf of others this month. But beautiful things also happened. I began again to recognize the power of speaking truth into challenging, even sensitive situations.
Then I had a minor revelation. I was more than willing to stick my neck out for someone else. To fight with and for another by using my voice. As long as it didn’t entail speaking truth about myself and my own issues, needs, or wants. As long as the focus was beyond me and my stuff.
This month my model of silence in regard to myself got me in a bit of trouble. (Vulnerability is not my strong suit, and facing conflict head-on makes me rather uncomfortable.) There was an interpersonal issue that, I’d believed, needed to be addressed for months, but I was pretty sure it was the other party’s responsibility, so had evaded the issue [and person/s involved]. It took a while for me to realize that avoiding the perceived conflict was not a solution at all. I had become passive-aggressive, cynical, and kind of shut down inside.
Confrontation was necessary. It was [past] time to voice my perceptions of the covert conflict and even discuss some things I knew we disagreed about, but which [both parties] had previously just avoided. So I took a step out and broke my own rule of silence. It was good, necessary for sure, but also good. The conversation built mutual respect, fostered honesty and authenticity, and ultimately, advanced relationships.
I know, conflict is a very natural and necessary part of life. Especially, when living in a close community of 7 or 13 people [often in small, less than ideal spaces] for 11 months straight and being in all sorts of intense situations together…it’s bound to occur at some point. And that’s just life. It’s the hard things that make us grow and improve, anyway.
And this month, that was me learning to use my voice and even to differ well. To be honest even when it required confrontation. Yes, to continue to fight for and speak truth for others, but to also do that for myself. To graciously differ. Yes, to continue to listen well, but also to speak out what’s in my own head. To realize that I can actually inhibit God in me by refusing to speak His truth into situations (my own, or another’s).
And it wasn’t just over a single event. There was actually a sequence of conflictual situations that caused me to really ponder what it meant to differ well. To neither turn off my brain in order to go along with something I disagreed with, nor be completely silent about my views, but to speak clearly and succinctly, and yet fulfill what is asked of me [with a good attitude]. A fine balance, I’ve discovered. Yet that’s life. There will always be things I disagree about, but I have to find creative ways to differ without sacrificing those relationships that I care so much about.
Over the course of the month, I’ve recognized that holding back truth actually kills me inside. It’s meant to be shared. Bad attitudes result when I don’t speak what has been given to me. Becoming the person I was created to be will involve speaking into hard situations—not just others’ (where it’s more comfortable), but also my own. I may think I’m doing the “kind thing” by keeping things to myself, but I’m actually hindering what God wants to do in and through me. I’ve been crippled by fear. But, moving forward, I want to be less concerned about doing it perfectly, and more concerned about being obedient in the moment (instead of putting it off indefinitely).
And that’s my real life on the race!
(For those trying to track us on the globe, we have recently arrived in Chiang Mai, Thailand for debrief with the squad. In a few days, the guys will all leave us (Jason included) for several weeks of ministry in another location in the country. The rest of us are grouped into new teams, and I will be staying in Chiang Mai with a team of 13 girls, working in the Christian coffee shop/hostel we’ll be staying in, as well as participating in ministry with the sex-trafficked population here. Jason and I will be joining up again just after Christmas. This month’s activities are very different than what we’ve done thus far, and we’d love to have your prayers as we transition into what’s next for us in Thailand! Thanks!!!)
