I’m Selfish.
Those of you who know me, you would agree that I do not consider myself a writer. I’m still trying to get a grip on this unique world of “blogging.” Likened to an athlete before a big game; I start with a warm up, a creative warm up. Nestled in my rocking chair, dawned with a warm scarf, myself and my glass of wine mash away at the keys. Wine? Why? Not quite sure. I don’t even like wine. However, it supposedly relinquishes your inner creative juices needed for writing. A tool brandished by the royalty of writing known as Hemingway. Is that true? Not sure there either, but the character I consider my spirit animal known as Nick Miller had a few lines about it in an episode of “New Girl”. Good enough for me. I can envision the scowl of my senior thesis professor now as I am writing this. Supposedly that wouldn’t qualify as a “reliable source”. Nor an “accurate citation.” And apparently I use “too many quotations.” Sorry, Mrs. Nardella.
Well now that I am thoroughly warmed up, I would like to clarify I do not have wine and am also not rocking a dope scarf(but it is true that I don’t really like wine). That was just an elaborate guise to tip toe around the fact that I am still getting used to writing, and hopefully using a goofy enough intro, have peaked your interest enough to continue reading.
Ahh, the great Nick Miller. ^
Now, onward to more important matters. The remorseful admittance of my selfishness.
I won’t tie a bow on this pig and make it look pretty for you. I’M SELFISH. How?
Most of you should know by now I am traveling the world next year throughout 11 different countries to spread the gospel and help others in need. So how does that make me selfish?
Because I’m doing it for ME.
Now, now. Hear me out. What exactly does that imply?
Allow me to backtrack. I meet with a pastor of my church every Tuesday evening to discuss matters of the bible and my personal life. He would be considered a spiritual mentor of sorts. Guiding and advising me along my path as I prepare myself for The World Race. Let’s just call this pastor, “Jim”, for now.
Jim has recently inquired about my trip to Honduras and how it has affected me. As we began discussing how much of an impact that mission trip had on my faith, something interesting arose. I mentioned to Jim I was selfish.
Jim and I had begun conversing about the weight Honduras carried in the story of my salvation and my spiritual journey. As we rolled along, I rumbled down a hill of explanation, elaborating on what I was looking to get out of this World Race.
I informed Jim I hoped to spread the word and share the love and peace of mind I have come to experience. If I can aid one single person in the release from their woes and assist turning them to a mindset of humility and loving others through their faith, then it is all worth it.
The question still begs, how on earth does that make me selfish?
As I mentioned previously, the topic of humility. I admit that I am doing this trip as much for myself as for anyone else. In what sense?
As I push forward in life, I TRY to maintain a spark of humility in the back of my mind. Ready to ignite at any moment.
I am selfishly pursuing this trip for myself because I know that I am absolutely no better than the people I am “going to help.” I am just as broken, just as hurt, just as sinful, and just as flawed as any of those “in need.” We may wrestle different vices, but at the end of the day we’re all still wrestling something.
Jim delivered a powerful message a few weeks ago that stuck with me. A message addressing how to grow in your faith. One focal point of that message was getting in over your head. Fully immersing yourself into circumstances where you have no choice but to trust God. God makes his promises in the bible, we unfortunately don’t always give God a chance to prove his faithfulness. How will I ever know that God is taking care of me if I bunker myself away and never go out on a limb to trust him?
I need this trip. I need a path where I can live a life of abandonment for God.
I require a journey that demands I lean on God to trust him and learn his ways. He will deliver for me just as equally as he will for the less fortunate that I will attempt to walk and fellowship with. These strangers will have the ability strengthen my faith just as I hope to strengthen theirs.
I still haven’t gotten it down yet, but the more I acknowledge this pivotal perspective of humility; the notion that we’re all broken, the more often I am able to brush off abrasion in my daily walk. I become more available to treat others with patience and understanding, versus disappointingly judging and falling into frustration.
So I suppose this adventure is a bit oxymoronic. Really. When put simply; I am selfishly pursuing humility. I need to be reminded that I am no better than these people, than any people. I am helping these people because of what it gives me. It blankets my heart with an intimate connection, a spiritual reboot. The overwhelming emotions that stir within me. Euphoric radiating warmth when you see happiness of children in spite of having so much less than you. Or the bone crushing deflation you experience when trying to empathize with those who deal with murder or rape on a daily basis. I don’t care how fantastic the movie Braveheart is(and trust me it is fantastic), it just isn’t the same type of feels. That’s not something I can get from sitting on my couch watching TV.
That’s what I need. That’s why I’m doing this. For me. For that. Because through helping these people, I also help myself. In that way I am selfish. That is how I grow in my faith.
I’ve heard some congratulate me on my upcoming journey. Adorning me with praises like “man that’s fantastic, I wish I was brave enough for that” or “good for you, I wish my faith was strong enough to try that.”
Before you paint me in your mind as a stoic warrior with boundless faith traveling the world, know that I’m just another guy. I don’t have every answer and I am not special. My faith is not necessarily stronger than yours. I have just chosen my faith over my doubts. I have accepted that I need God as badly as anybody. For that reason I am willing to leave my comfort zone to be tested in order to further open my heart to him.
Lastly, I leave you with this notion again. I am no pastor, nor preacher. I am just walking in my own way with God and trying to express what I believe he is revealing to me. I hope you all have enjoyed my writing. If so please comment, subscribe to my blog for updates, consider donating, and follow me on Facebook or Instagram.
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