I was confident. I knew I had enough time. Even as bad as i am at procrastinating( i meant to post this blog yesterday), i thought this would be different. I had about 5 months to prepare for this trip. I figured that would be more than enough time. The trip itself still seemed incredibly far away, even after training camp. I knew though, once the holidays hit, it would seem closer and closer, but still… plenty of time. Thanksgiving was here and gone, and there was still a month before Christmas, and then it came, and that’s when it really started to hit me. It hit me the most when I started to have to say goodbye to people. First of all the reality of the trip came that much clearer, but then i started having other thoughts as well, like, “the next time i see this person, i will be back from overseas, how will my life be different, how will i be changed?”, “how are my relationships with people going to change as a result of my experiences through this trip?” just another question to add to the list, of how God is going to move in my life and others over the next few months. The first person i had to say goodbye to has been my best friend most of my life…and that was tough. Then i started having to say goodbye to other family members, high school friends that were in town, and it sort of became overwhelming. The time was quickly approaching. And now with New Years day here, it is all too evident that, this is going to happen, we’re doing this. I leave this year…no, I leave this month….no, I leave in two weeks…..am i ready??? I don’t feel prepared. The two things that I still needed to get supply wise, i still haven’t gotten, and two has turned into twenty. I’m not sure i feel mentally/spiritually or even physically prepared, but i’m not sure i ever will feel like I am. The worst thing about procrastination, is you actually realize everything you have to do, when it seems to late. With that being said, if you’ll allow me to be cliche for a moment….
As i was thinking about 2010 last night, reflecting, praying, I realized a few things. 2010 had some of the lowest lows, and darkest points of my life–but also some of the brightest. God delivered me from a few things that were holding me back from this trip, and living a life pleasing to Him in general. As a result of that, he’s drawn me closer to Him. I finally, after 3-4 years of “considering” going overseas for missions, was broken out of my apathy and concern for safety and security, to jumping out on faith, and actually going. I got pretty close a few times, and even though, technically i haven’t gone yet, I don’t see anything standing in my way this time, and the biggest thing that has always been there, my feelings of incompetence and doubt, aren’t going to hold me back. I realized though, i’m still incompetent, and i completely doubt myself and my own abilities, but as my relationship with Christ improved this year, I found myself relying more and more on his grace, and his mercy, and what he supplies me with. I am competent in Him, and don’t doubt what I am capable of, through Him.
