Here I am. I have turned 29 years old in Rwanda, Africa, and I’m not the same person you last saw. For my birthday, all I ask is that you read this entire blog and hear me out from the top to bottom.
Confession: I haven’t been completely open with you all about everything I’ve experienced and learned on this race. To be honest, it is because I don’t know if you would all believe me, and I don’t want to be treated differently because I’ve changed.
On October 6th, 2018, I left Chicago on a plane feeling uncertain, but I was a different person back then. I used to live for interactions and experiences that made me and the people I spent time with feel-good. I chased after the next fun feel-good experience. Every feel-good experience I had still had that empty feeling of uncertainty- whether that was going to church, working at a ministry, volunteering, or spending time with people I love. It all felt good, but I still felt uncertain or broken. Is the purpose of life really to live for feel-good experiences with loved ones and that’s it? I brushed this uncertainty off thinking it was okay; maybe even normal, perhaps. I believed in God, and I believed in Jesus, but that still wasn’t enough. There was still a void. Something was still missing. Then I went on the World Race.
I now have 2 months left on this race, and I’ve been nervous about what life will be like coming home. I don’t want people to be hesitant around me because I have faith in Jesus Christ. I know churches have hurt people, and people who call themselves Christians have hurt others. People struggle with the name Jesus Christ because of the negative label of Christians. There are awful stereotypes and the media often portrays awful characteristics of people who call themselves Christians. Truth is, there are many hypocritical Christians out there, and I am so sorry for what they’ve done to you. It hurts me to know that you’ve been hurt by them and by the church as a whole. I would say it’s hard to understand how anyone can give themselves that title, Christian, and do the exact opposite of following Jesus. However, I can understand because even I was a hypocrite before the race. Maybe not as outwardly obvious or extreme, but internally I was a hypocrite. I believed in God, but I didn’t have faith in him for my own problems in life. I did not always take ownership of my mistakes and flaws (repented), and I’m sure I’ve hurt people. I am sorry if I had made a comment or did anything that made you feel anything less than what you’re supposed to feel: loved, worthy, or important on this earth. I am sorry I didn’t always follow Jesus the way he calls us to. However, I want to do everything in my strength and with the help of God Himself to be the example of his love back in the states. He has showed me how much he loves me and has taught me so much about genuine love that I never want to judge, or do anything less than love people ever again. So let me give you the truth about my world race experience and how my void was filled:
These last 9 months have changed my world. I have been touched by the love of people and their love for God in different countries. Through serving in any capacity needed and learning how to love people where they are, I have learned so much about the truth and love of the Holy Spirit. And wow! My life has been changed.
Before the race, believing in the personality of God through Jesus wasn’t enough because when something happened in life that I couldn’t control, believing in a distant God was never enough. The pain and worry was still there. However, I have learned on this race that God is not a distant God. I knew of God the Father, Jesus, the son, but I didn’t know much of the Holy Spirit.
After getting baptized in the Holy Spirit, and taking ownership of my sin (repenting of my pride, lust, control, and more), I humbled myself before the Lord and my experience of God changed. Instead, I learned to have a profound relationship with God. I have personally encountered God the Holy Spirit countless times on this race. I am aware that from an outsider this sounds very weird. But just give me a chance.
Before, I never gave God the chance to talk to me. I put him in a box. I just prayed to him, went to church, went to a bible study group, served God through a ministry in Chicago and had hope in change although not knowing how it would change. That’s it…I was spiritually immature back then, which made me emotionally and mentally immature in ways as well.
But God is so much more than trying to earn your way to him. We don’t need to earn our way to him – that’s what grace is. So I learned to take my belief and turn it into surrendering and trusting in God: I practiced faith. Faith in God is powerful. It’s not some feeble belief, but it’s a relationship with a living God who responds to me, and guides me through dreams, impressions, visions, a still small voice, signs, his word, and more. I learned how real he is, and I learned how to spend a sabbath day of rest with him. I used to always chase experiences out of fear of missing out; never taking a break. I would always be on the go. I didn’t know how to rest. Now I choose to spend time daily and specifically a full day of rest because he fulfills me in the most ultimate “high” I’ve ever had when doing so. It’s better than drugs. That void, that missing feeling that made me feel so uncertain, is gone. It’s now replaced with the Holy Spirit who lives inside me. I know it sounds weird, trust me, I understand. But now I have confidence in who I am as a daughter of God, knowing my purpose, and the thrill of seeking after God.
I’m learning through our relationship that he doesn’t hinder me from these feel-good experiences at all (like people unfortunately misunderstand). No, instead I get to have fun but in the most heightened way ever: with purpose. Each day is a chance to be loved and be love by God: ministry is life and life is ministry. Yes, I’ll still be the Jasmine who enjoys adventure, traveling, concerts, parties and fun, (trust me, I miss my people and my live music), but this time, my fun adventures will include God everywhere I go – and I won’t be uncertain. I’ll be me, the way I was created to be; with all my quirks, assets, personality vibes and all that make me ME, but while also living my life with purpose to bring kingdom on earth (which is super fun and exciting)!
Living life with God doesn’t make me perfect either, it in fact helps me understand my place even more: I am still imperfect, flawed and living in a world of temptation. But I know those errors don’t define me. He defines me, and with his help I can get better.
So I am nervous to go home because I don’t want you to be weird around me, but I’m not going to let some nervous feeling hinder me from engulfing you all with love.
My goal is to continue to love you all, but deeper, and to love you the way you want to be loved. I have been praying that I get to love you all better than I did before. I hope you will accept me and forgive me too. Please feel free to hold me accountable to this. I’ve learned so much about the importance of feedback on this race, so I’m totally used to being called out! 🙂
For my birthday, if you haven’t been caught up with my blogs- and you want to understand this change within me- I ask that you read them all before I see you. I don’t know how else to express 11 months, 11 countries to you all in one sitting. But when you read it, I pray that you get to see God the way I did in each country and how his love reaches everyone whether we choose to love him back or not. Thank you for reading this. If you have any honest questions, please reach out to me. I’d love to be honest with you too.
Thank you for reading all the way through.
Love,
Jasmine Jaurigue
