Thanksgiving isn’t just a holiday surrounded by loved ones around delicious food. It’s not just making a list of things we are thankful for. I’m learning it’s way more than that. It’s thanking God everyday – even through the pain. It’s worshipping him through the darkness. It’s choosing to see the light, be patient and hold on to the hope of His promises. Let me explain.
This past Thanksgiving, I cried just thinking of all the ways God came through in my life.
I remember 3 years ago standing in a room full of people praising God but in the middle of all the people, I was standing alone crying my eyes out, swaying side to side, in utter outcry because I was so broken and so confused. “Why can’t you bring him to me, God? Why don’t you just show yourself to him?” I so badly wanted to be with my ex. I was so heartbroken that life wouldn’t go the way I wanted to. And I wanted things to go my way. I imagined this mirage of a happy marriage and fairy tale ending with the one I thought was going to be my forever. But God didn’t do what I wanted him to do, so I turned away from God. I became a hypocrite in many ways.
That same year, Thanksgiving, I wrote a public status on social media questioning humanity. “How can we sit around our tables filled with food being thankful for our privileged lives when so many people are living with injustice around the world: refugees fleeing Syria, and police brutality to a specific race was at its all time high in our country?”
Life sucked. I was so hesitant of God, because he didn’t do what I thought he should have done in my life, and there was all this brokenness in the world. But at the same time, he was the only thing that made sense for all the injustice in the world. I strongly believed that life is not survival of the fittest. There had to be a love so strong for us humans, that may not make sense to our limited human mind, but it exists. I believed God had to be real, but I was not fully faithful to Jesus. I was skeptical. So I left him for awhile, but it was the hardest thing I ever had to do to tear away from my church and community and Jesus. I felt so lost. I felt so alone. I didn’t have patience with God…but he had patience with me.
I had to go through the wilderness. I had to learn to understand that just because brokenness happens, it doesn’t mean God isn’t real. It doesn’t mean God doesn’t love me or I’m not worthy.
3 years later, I am here in Honduras learning about other humans, their struggle, their hope and their worth and understanding God more than ever.
God,
Thank you for choosing me.
Thank you for somehow finding me worthy.
Thank you for trusting in me.
Thank you for surrounding me with these strangers.
And here you are. You still love me. I turned my back from you. And you were always there for me. You believed in me when I didn’t believe in you
Last Thursday, I celebrated Thanksgiving in Honduras this is what I learned:
I was with three squads: my squad on month 2, another squad on their month 4 and another squad ending their month 11 in Honduras. Other than our own squads, we didn’t know each other. I was surrounded by a bunch of fully flawed strangers, who make a ton of mistakes, covered with a past of shame, rejection and abandonment, and imperfection. Yet, we all came together and worshipped our souls out. Because we can’t do this tough life on our own. Life is so hard. Yet somehow there’s this big God who wants to do this hard life with us. We are thankfully not alone. We are just a small speck in this universe, but he loves us so much. Somehow we are worthy. These past few months I have encountered God several times, and everytime I am reminded by how much he truly loves me, and I just cry. I can’t help it. If he loves me that much, I know how much he loves every human in this world. Everyone is worthy. So Thanksgiving day, we just worshipped to him.
What is worship?
Worship – to honor with extravagant love and extreme submission (Webster’s Dictionary,1828). We sung this song together, arms high and heart abandoned, in awe, and it was beautiful:
“You give life, You are love
You bring light to the darkness
You give hope, You restore
Every heart that is broken
Great are You, Lord
It’s your breath in our lungs, so we pour out our praise.” The ultimate Thanksgiving.
I’m so so so so thankful.
I’m learning to be thankful through the heartbreak. Be thankful through the pain. Be thankful through the darkness. I’m learning that we need to take ownership of what we believe. Just because we don’t feel worthy or loved by God, it doesn’t mean we aren’t worthy or loved. It just means we don’t believe our own worth, but it doesn’t mean God isn’t real. Once we believe that truth: that he loves us, that we are worth it, that we are important beings on this earth, that we have a purpose, then with God, we can legit conquer anything.
So to be honest: I’m surrendering everything to him.
I’m surrendering my fundraising to him. I’m not fully funded, and I need to be before January; otherwise, I can’t continue the 11 months. But I’m not going to worry about it. If he wants me here, he will provide the funds I need to continue this trip.
I’m surrendering my relationships with him: family, friends, loved ones and marriage someday. I’m not going to worry about my loved ones or if I will get married one day. Whether I do or don’t, God is still good, and he will give me what I need. Through the brokenness.
I’m surrendering my plans after the world race: I have absolutely no idea where I am going to live, where I am going to work or what the heck I’m going to do when I get back. But I’m not going to worry about it. I trust and have faith that he has a plan for me, and I will figure it out when the time comes.
Of course, surrendering won’t be easy, and it will be a daily decision. But I’m willing to do this and legit follow the word FAITH.
So thanks for reading this and allowing me to be vulnerable. I understand not everyone believes in Jesus, and that’s totally okay – I mean I get it – It’s hard to have faith in something we can’t see. Jesus is a hard concept to understand. I’m still learning each day. But thanks for following my journey. Let me know if you have any questions.
Also, if you would like to donate toward my fundraiser tomorrow for Giving Tuesday 2018, that would be such a blessing! 🙂 If 100 people donated $20, I will reach $2,000 for my next fundraising goal. And if not, I still believe God will come through somehow. Either way, thanks for considering. 🙂 I hope you all had an amazing Thanksgiving weekend.
