So far I’ve had a really hard time in Thailand. After hearing we’d be teaching English in a school again, I had a bad attitude before we even set foot in the country. And it didn’t matter what anyone said or how they said it because in my mind I was forcing myself to do something I couldn’t stand doing. Teaching. I know it sounds harsh, but if I’m being completely honest that’s what I was thinking.
Every time I’ve set foot on the school campus my heart has literally sunk. And a couple days ago, on the way to school, I found myself sitting in the back seat of the car, listening to music, and a single tear began streaming down my face. I told myself “Jasmine, stop it!!! You’re being so damn dramatic.” But I didn’t care, I didn’t want to be there! And I was sick of forcing myself to have a good attitude about it.
It’s made me question why I’m here? Why the hell am I forcing myself to do something I’m not good at? I know Christianity isn’t about me, but I also don’t believe Christianity is about misery and suffering; however, so far the race has felt exactly like that. Why does God keep making me teach English when I’m not good at it. I’m not creative. I get nervous when I try to start a conversation with someone and they have NO IDEA what I’m saying. I want to run out of the room. How am I supposed to teach them anything?
I just want to quit. I want to go home where I don’t have to force myself to do something I don’t want to do. I want to go home where I have the choice to do something I’m good and passionate about. In my mind I felt like going home would restore the joy and satisfaction I had lost in being here.
And on top of that, after school that day, our host Sharon was sharing part of her story with us of how her and her family ended up in Thailand. She began telling us how she didn’t really begin having an intimate relationship with God until she was 30. And she then told us that’s why she’s always thrilled when she sees young people like us who have already found that, and who are listening to God at such a young age. And as she was saying that I was thinking, “maybe that’s everyone else on my team, but that’s not me.” I don’t have an intimate relationship with God. I don’t listen to him. I’m so messed up, and sometimes I think I’m beyond fixable. Just because I’m associated with the World Race does not mean I have my shit together. I mean… For goodness sake, look at my attitude toward teaching English that day?
In fact, that was part of the reason I wanted to sign up for the race (not all of the reason, but I can’t deny it was part of it). Part of me felt like I needed fixed. And what better way to do that than a missions trip? Ha, sounds ridiculous… I know that.
So, I shared these things with my team the other night. I told them how I was struggling, and to what extent. There was no judgement. They looked at me and said “Jasmine, thank you for being real. And even if you feel like this every day for the rest of the month, please don’t stop sharing.” And they also helped me see a few other things in a new light.
First of all… I’ve always felt inadequate spiritually. Like I don’t know enough about Jesus, the Bible, scripture etc. I base my spiritualness off of other people. Off of how often I’m reading my Bible, how much scripture I have memorized, how often I’m praying, or whether or not I’m hearing God like other Christians are saying they hear him. I suck at remembering to pray, remembering to read the Bible. In fact, half the time I don’t understand what the heck I’m reading. I can read a passage 10 times and not understand it like other people do. So obviously that’s a little frustrating and extremely discouraging.
In my mind I know I shouldn’t compare my spiritualness to others, but in my heart I still do it. After sharing these things with my team, they helped me realize a few things. First of all, yes, I am adequate spiritually, and no, I should not compare that adequateness to what I think others have. God connects with everyone differently. And secondly, yes, there’s a reason for me being here… But that reason is not necessarily to fix me.
Staying on the race isn’t going to fix anything. Going home isn’t going to fix anything. A different ministry that I think I’m more passionate about isn’t going to fix anything. God could use literally any circumstance to do what he’s doing in my heart while I’m here on the race. So it’s obviously not any circumstance. If I’m not searching for my joy and satisfaction in Jesus, and spending time with him in prayer and devotion (or whatever that looks like for me) then it doesn’t matter where I am or what I’m doing. Because none of that will ever fix anything. I don’t know this for a fact, but I can bet that even if I was doing another ministry this month I’d still find something to be frustrated at. Why? Because I don’t think I’m really searching for that satisfaction in Christ. I’m searching for it in countless other things. It doesn’t matter what country I’m in, what ministry I’m doing, or what career I’m doing after the race… If I’m not really searching for my joy and satisfaction in Jesus then all I’m on is an endless scavenger hunt. One with absolutely no end.
So here I am. Trying so hard to search for God separate from the people around me. Separate from my parents faith. Separate from the World Race’s faith. Separate from my teammates, friends, mentors, and squadmates faith. And separate from the circumstances I find myself in each month. Whether I’m at home, or whether I’m on the race, it’s God I need to be searching for. And on top of that, I’m sick of comparing my spirituality to other people. It doesn’t matter what I know in my head if I don’t also know it in my heart. And I’m sick of these things having a strong hold over my heart.
Although I’m still not thrilled about teaching English, (that’s probably not going to change anytime soon, unfortunately) I do know God is still capable of using it for greater things than I could possibly imagine. I know He has a purpose for us being here this month. And maybe, by ACTUALLY searching for joy and satisfaction in Jesus, (and with a lot of grace) I can get my heart on board with teaching English, even if it means I’m doing it for 6 more months.
