I just watched one of the most thrilling movies I have ever seen! My heart didn’t stop double beating. I was from start to end, on the edge of my seat..That never happens. Rarely do I ever watch a movie and it change my entire perspective on life, well besides movies about Jesus or set in times of the Civil Rights era. This movie had me zoning out because I was trying to figure out how this movie could be the exact thing I needed in that exact moment. This movie was 2015 version of Point Break.
I recently found out that I have control issues. That if things change without my permission I will freak out and shutdown. This has been more traumatic than you would think, because I always took pride in that I was a go with the flow kinda girl. I am in fact, not. Now back to tonight and the movie. As I was driving to the theater the Lord and I were having a talk. We were talking about my latest issue with myself and the image I have of myself. **One of my goals for the WR is to be highly transparent and show you the good and bad about it all. No matter how much it hurts** I went on a walk with my backpack and I could barely make it. Its so heavy, San Antonio is so hilly. I came up with a lot of excuses but the only thing I held onto out of my walk was, “I can’t do this because I am too fat to do this.” Boom checkmate. Cue tears and rage. Cue violins and sad music. Back to the movie night. As I was in my car I gave a list to God of all types of reasons I will never be good enough, physically good enough. And I told Him I couldn’t do it and I will never be able to do it. And then He spoke as only He could. “Give it to me. Give me your doubts. Give me the lies you’re allowing yourself to believe. Give me your hurt. Give me your time. Give me your frustration. Give it all to me.” And of course in my infinite wisdom I said, “but I can’t let it go.” The thing about letting things go, it means your hands are free for other things. Your mind is free for other things. But I don’t know what those things are and I can’t just give up control. Letting things go means Letting. Things. Go.
During the movie, the main Character, Johnny Utah, does some things that effect the lives of people around him. Utah loses a friend and he believes it is all his fault. When Utah is with Bodhi right before they are about to jump off a mountain, Bodhi spits some wisdom that I’m sure Jesus placed in this movie just for me. Now I don’t know it word for word but the gist of it is, if you want to live your life to the fullest and its maximum capacity, you’re going to have to learn to let go. Then Utah does something else which causes him to lose another friend and Bodhi looks at him and says, “Let it go.”
If the theater was just me, I would have cried. But I waited until I got to my car. And then the conversation began again. “Jesus, I don’t know how to let go. I don’t know what’s gonna happen when I let go. But I know in order to fully live for you, I have to give you everything.”
I don’t know what I’m doing. I honestly don’t have a clue as to what tomorrow or the next day is going to look like. And I’m not sure I’m supposed to. I’m learning what it looks like to give up complete control. I’m learning what it looks like to finally, Let. Go.
