2015, the year I never thought I would make it through. I did some dumb stuff this year. Some of my friends call be brave, but I’m pretty sure that I am just really dumb sometimes. haha. If you agree, I won’t blame you. If you don’t, well its probably because you don’t know all of the wonderful details. But 2015 was also the year that I realized that I am not afraid of getting my heart broken. Not afraid of stepping into things that are super uncomfortable. Not afraid to share the dirty details of my past. Not afraid to speak my mind. Not afraid to wear Christ’s love on my sleeve. Not afraid to share, to care, to comfort, to mourn, to cry, to rejoice. However, I am still afraid of heights, of losing 100% of control, of fully walking in freedom.
Every night for the past 3 weeks I go to sleep thinking about the WR and how great it’s going to be. Every morning for the past 3 weeks I wake up realizing what I am truly asking of the Lord to do in my life. To break all fears, to take full control of my life, to wreck me completely. This morning I woke up and thought, do I really want that? Am I ready to be rocked by the Lord? Am I ready to tight rope across the Grand Canon if He straight up asks me to? And to that I say, HECK NO! I’m not ready for any of those things. I like the reckless me. I like the Jarren that says me first than the rest of the world sometimes. I like the Jarren that stand on the ground and watches the other crazy people tight rope across the grand canon. She’s pretty cool if you ask me.
The Lord is beyond faithful. He is beyond anything that I will ever be able to explain. He reminded me of the t-shirt I designed, “Woke up ready to move mountains.” He reminded me of Mark 11:23. He reminded me of my desire to want to be exactly like Him in every way. He also reminded me that I am going to have to get rid of the mentality of fear. That everything I do is going to be worth it. Leaving the familiar for the unknown, worth it. Letting Him have complete control over my life, worth it. Tight roping across the Grand Canon because He asked me to, worth it. I’m learning everyday that whatever the Lord has asked of me is to be worth it. That He is a great father who has never left me or abandoned me. He has never stopped loving me because of what I have done or will do. Sometimes I like to picture Jesus on a cross and seeing me in the crowd of sinners and saying, yep its worth it!
So with all of that being said, 2016 will be the year of being “worth it.” Leaving for a year to pursue Jesus, worth it. Missing weddings, babies, deaths, not meeting Blake Griffin because the Lord wants me to hold the sick in Asia, worth it!
I’m excited for 2016. Excited to walk with Jesus. Excited to walk with people who love Jesus. Excited to be obedient. To get rid of my recklessness and fear. It’s all going to be worth it.
** ps. the tight roping across the Grand Canon was an analogy. Pretty positive the Lord is NOT calling me to do that!**
