I am coming to learn more about myself and God each day. My relationship with Him is one that is a bit rigid and uncomfortable at times. Obviously I am not the most intelligent of individuals but I believe that God reveals Himself to me most consistently through the medium of academics/study. This has come at the expense of other aspects of my faith.
I received a history degree from my time at King University. When I read the Bible, I immediately long for context and extra-Biblical sources to validate what it is that I am reading. I simply cannot help it. The Bible is an ancient document that is to speak into my relationship with God. It was inspired by the Spirit but written by men. With this being the case, credibility automatically becomes something that I question. How knowledgeable are my sources? What is the frame of mind in which they are writing? And so on.
While I think this is important and will always be a part of how I read Scripture, i am quite sick of it as of now.
I understand lately that all I have been writing about is relationship, relationship, relationship, but it is the deepest desire of my heart. What good is knowledge apart from my Creator? I do not want His gifts if I cannot have Him. I have idolized concepts such as wisdom and knowledge and they have come at the expense of relationship with Jesus.
And Jesus is the name I least often call Him by. It feels too personal. Too relational. But He is Jesus. As the old song goes, there is just something about that name. It’s stripped down of all religiosity and is deeply personal to me.
If I am being honest I think that relationship with Jesus is one of the hardest things in the world. I cannot see Him. I cannot grasp Him. It is not easy for me to pour out the deepest parts of my soul to Jesus and believe that I am heard. I am not sure if it is a deep fear of intimacy or a genuine disbelief that He is even there.
But living in community has surely helped. Being surrounded and in discipleship with a solid group of believers is truly one of the best things I have experienced. I so often forget or am simply ignorant of how God feels about me and being lifted in that makes all of the difference.
I do not know why I have gone so long without intimacy with Jesus but He surely has a plan for me to grow in it. It is the most sincere of my longings. I have been missing so much of who God is.
I can trust Him. He is good.
“Flood this heart with assurance of your mercy.
Fill this mind with knowledge of your love.
Hold me fast through the deep and steady current
How long, how long, ’til these tears are gone?”
