I don’t know where this post is going, nor do I know where it is coming from. I still hold to the idea that those supporting me should have some sort of insight into my thoughts and such, no matter how hopeless they might seem. So here it goes I suppose?
I think I can express Paul’s sentiment when he spoke of being the worst of all sinners. No, I did not kill anyone or persecute a group of people but I do suck. I am probably just being an overdramatic twenty-something. But sometimes it feels like I cheapen the grace of God. Sometimes it is just hard to feel forgiven for the things that you’ve done. Why in the world should I be forgiven? Let me earn Your love, don’t just give it to me. And there I go, wallowing in my own sin and misunderstanding of grace.
Obviously the problem is with me. When you’re steadfast in your walk with God grace is comfortable because you don’t feel like you need it as much as others. I’m doing pretty good God, bestow some grace on some others for now. I don’t really think it works that way though, not at all.
I was speaking to a friend the other day about some pretty strange stuff. I won’t go too much into it, but here is a bit of the conversation matter. Scripture says, somewhere in there, that if you think about having sex with a woman that you’ve already committed adultery with her in your heart. Well that just seems quite unfair in my opinion. The same seems as if it could apply to other sins, right?
Say you have a dream about having sex with someone or killing a person. Is that a sin? If so there seem to be some theological implications behind that. My body sins even in my subconscious. I COULD BE SINNING IN MY SLEEP. That is uncomfortable.
That is a bit of an odd thought for me and I can’t quite shake it. Obviously grace is always needed in my ever struggling walk with our Creator but sometimes I think I am doing fine. If I can sin in my dreams, this just seems to speak even deeper into our sinful nature.
This whole concept of grace is bizarre, it really is. How can I go into the mission field and extend the grace of God openly when I have nary an understanding of grace myself? Lord, I hope I learn unfathomable amounts from these people on what it means to walk with You.
It really just doesn’t make sense that He loves us. It just doesn’t. I like to understand things. It is how I operate best. But this whole Christian thing just does not make sense. I have tried my best to not believe in the past years but I just can’t not believe. I just can’t.
How do other Christians seems to have life together? I feel like I am wandering around, resembling some awestruck tourist in a land that I just don’t belong to. Constantly confused, constantly having to learn new concepts about the way things work, and it’s just exhausting.
This God thing is so complicated. Why was I never taught that as a child? Maybe I was. It seems to be a common motif in my life to have to learn things the hard way.
But that is enough of my pointless ramblings. I know that somehow grace covers it and I will never reach an understanding on that. But sometimes it is just hard to feel thankful for grace when you are so busy feeling guilty for sin. I know that is not the point of Christianity, I truly do. My sins have been atoned for and I am slowly but surely being sanctified. But I am trapped in this human body. I want more of God. I want more of His understanding. More of His love. More of His knowledge. More of everything. Sometimes I just feel stuck. I just feel like I am on some vicious cycle that will never end.
However! Now for the fun part. My fundraising is going splendidly. Or so I believe. I have reached my May deadline already and that is some really awesome news. Keep the donations coming in, if you feel led to that is. I am truly thankful beyond understanding. It makes my day to see new donations because I am able to know that I am not working toward this goal alone.
With that being said, my time at work is coming to a close. I will now be focusing more on school and graduating in the coming months. In less than a month I will be going to Camden, New Jersey to help with Urban Promise for a week. The following month, in April, I will be headed to Black Mountain, North Carolina to take place in the Forum for Theological Exploration. I am not entirely sure what it is but one of my professors recommended me for it and then they invited me and I was accepted. It sounds fun, so I decided to go.
God has opened up tons of opportunities in my life recently and it has been super awesome to be able to live it out. I am at least doing my best to live it out.
I hope life is treating all of you well and I hope you’re not as perpetually confused as I am. Thank you so much for praying for me and supporting me.
I do love all of you. And all of this snow we’ve gotten. I love that too.
Jarred McKinney
