There are things that I have been thinking about for some time, yet have had no way to express them in intelligible words.
The thoughts I have and the Ideas that float freely through my mind have become an exorbitant mass of sludge that will not extricate itself from my mind.
I have tried countless times to begin writing to remove these masses of thoughts but have been, thus far, unsuccessful.
I have tried going to Scripture with it, yet have found myself unable to focus because of all the blockage.
I have tried going to the Father with it in prayer, but found myself falling flat and not hearing what He is replying with.
I have tried to make myself understand what my problem is and fix it myself, yet have found such emptiness that I have completely stripped myself of the emotional capacity to seek the Lord.
I have tried, with ever increasing difficulty, to seek out the problem and diverge from the course as to not run headlong into it.
“Having allowed oneself to drift, unresisting, unpraying, accepting every half-conscious solicitation from our desires, we reached a point where we no longer believed the Faith.”
C.S. Lewis
The Great Divorce
This, how C.S. Lewis so put it, is about where I have been.
But, why is this?
How is this even possible while I serve the King around the world?
What could possibly make me forget why I decided to take this leap of faith?
“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.” Romans 15:13
This is what has happened. I have allowed myself no room for the joy and peace the Lord promises.
I have been filling myself with that which, by itself is harmless, has disastrous effects to those whom allow it to govern their actions, whether subconsciously or consciously.
“Don’t you remember on earth—there were things too hot to touch with your finger but you could drink them all right? Shame is like that. If you will accept it – if you will drink the cup to the bottom – you will find it very nourishing: but try to do anything else with it and it scalds.”
C.S. Lewis
This is what I have done with the shame I have carried.
The shame of not doing well in school, and blaming it, not on myself, but on everything else around me.
The shame of not understanding everything that goes on around me and not having all the answers.
The shame that comes with wanting to impress and not being able to uphold what is thought to be true.
You see, the very thing I have dreaded since the start of my walk with the Lord has occurred.
I have not been honest with myself regarding the shame I carry. I have covered it all up with answers I know people wish to hear. I have allowed my pride to cover over the things I wish others would never see.
In doing this, I have allowed my heart to be hardened to the Joy that Christ gives. I have suffocated myself with the constant awareness that I could slip up any moment and reveal my true self. As if telling myself that who I am is not worthy of what the Lord has called me to.
This insecurity has led me down a path that I must unwind to an extent so that I may be put back on the right path. I have travelled down a path that is more of a “south-easterly” direction instead of straight East to the Father. I have allowed myself to walk my own direction for too long.
As CS Lewis put it once again:
“ I do not think that all who choose wrong roads perish; but their rescue consists in being put back on the right road. A sum can be put right: but only by going back till you find the error and working it afresh from that point, never by simply going on. Evil can be undone, but it cannot ‘develop’ into good. Time does not heal it. The spell must be unwound, bit by bit, ‘with backward mutters of dissevering power.’ “
And now I must ask myself the question, so what?
Why does all this matter?
The answer is really rather obvious. I have not done what the Lord commanded in Deuteronomy 6:4-9, Matthew 22:37-38, nor Mark 12:29-30, which is this:
Matthew:
“Jesus replied: “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment.”
Mark:
“The most important one,” answered Jesus, “is this: ‘hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.”
Deuteronomy:
“Hear, O Israel: the LORD (YHWH) our God, The LORD (YHWH) is one. Love the LORD (YHWH) your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates.”
I have not lived out these commandments. Jesus quoted this old testament stanza multiple times throughout his life, two of which the Lord saw fit to put into His Word, as well as call it the most important commandment.
If it is so important, why is it so difficult to follow?
“ The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.”
John 10:10
Constantly we go through life believing everything we hear and not testing it with the word of God. Allowing Satan to come in and deceive us into thinking we are doing what is right. We allow him into our lives, thoughts, actions and before we know it…
We are fooled, completely and utterly.
Now,
Having said all this, what must we do to ensure none of this happens? How can we prevent the devil from finding a foothold and launching himself into our lives?
We MUST continue onward on the path the Lord has for us, lest we turn away from Him.
We MUST trust Him with everything that we have.
We MUST do whatever He asks of us and not allow pride to cloud our judgment.
Okay and also here is a prayer request for all you who love talking with the Lord.
One of our sisters in Christ is in need of much prayer. on March 19th she is going into what will be her 3rd heart surgery. It has roughly an 80% chance of ending with a pacemaker. she is just a bit younger then me, so you can imagine how devastating that would be. Her faith is immense through all this, and no matter how it turns out she is convinced that the Lord will use it to do nothing but bring glory to His name. so please pray for:
Her
Her family at this time
and the doctors to have the wisdom and knowledge and expertise to achieve success.
also that her recovery and everything goes smoothly in all this.
thank you so much!
