*Please note that the words written like this are my thoughts. Thoughts are the words and sentences, etc, that float around in your head, i.e. not audible. You know, kinda like what is going on right now as you read this, because I know you aren’t reading out loud…who does that? But I digress….yes, so green words are just my thoughts, not what I was actually saying…like..thoughts within thoughts….anyways….*
I sat in my car just outside the tattoo shop. “I just want out” I said to my friend over the phone. “I don’t know what I want to do with my life. There are so many things I think I’d like to do, but I just don’t know.” I had (finally) graduated from college with a degree in youth ministries, yet still had no real clue as to what direction to take in life. Nothing made me happy.
“Honestly, I just want to get away. I want to live like the apostles did, to be like them and spread the word.”
“Do you know what you are asking for?” she said, a mix of shock, concern and wisdom. I admit, she has always been a wise friend which is why I shared my thoughts with her.
“What?” my one word reply. I had a good guess of what she’d say.
“You are asking to suffer.” Suffer…as if I wasn’t already? “You are asking for struggles.” And this will be different from struggling day to day with depression, anger which included a temper toward God, anxiety, loneliness, hopelessness, and the frustration of what to do with my life? “You are asking for pain and hunger. You are asking to be beaten and persecuted for your beliefs.”
I was right.
Well, when you put it like that…Yet I was not deterred. The thought remained. It had been there for quite some time, but was made even more evident to me during an “AH-HA” moment while watching “Destination Truth”. If you’ve never heard of this show, I HIGHLY recommend it. It’s hosted by a guy named Josh Gates, a modern day Indiana Jones, who travels around the world with a team to investigate mythical creatures and haunted sites. I always wanted to grow up to be Indiana Jones (nothing has changed about that dream), so watching this guy on his shows (he has a new one now called Expedition Unknown) and seeing the awesome adventures and journeys he took, well it had me wanting the same!
During one of his episodes filmed in Africa, he and his crew came across a village who’s translator was actually an American (or was he Aussie?) missionary. Suddenly my mind was like “ding ding ding! Do that! Go live amongst the people in the middle of nowhere!”. Awesome. Wonderful. How?
“You need to just pick something that you can make money with and do it!” When you read that sentence, do so with an angry, frustrated yet, I’ll admit, concerned tone. Let it bombard your ear drums, cascade upon your cochlear nucleus and navigate down the acoustic nerve. Allow the auditory cortex to determine if this is the world speaking such directions or someone else and prepare for what the prefrontal cortex will make of it. A bit of a stretch on this analogy? No…..because it seems to be all I have ever heard, which is why it has been engrained into my being. It’s part of why I’ve spent so many years frustrated. It’s not what I want. Needless to say, this desire to run off and be a missionary didn’t sit too well with my parents, nor with what the world says I should be doing.
Screw it.
That conversation with my friend took place so many years ago. Now, a door has been opened for me to not only explore the world, but to explore who I am, to find my identity in Christ. I’ll be blessed to minister to the lost, hurting and suffering in the world as God takes me on this journey. So many cry out, “Why me? Who is God? What is love and how does He love me? How could a loving God allow such pain and degradation in the world? How does Jesus dying save me and why do I need saving? If God is in my life, why do I still suffer? Why am I still depressed?” I pray to help these people, our brothers and sisters, find these answers as God works through me, and as they learn these answers, so will I.
“Do you know what you are asking”?
Yes and no. I really don’t. I’ve read and heard how it is in the world as I’m sure we all have, but let’s face it: until we are there, we have no freakin’ clue. We don’t live it day to day. Yes, there is some of the same here in America, but not to the same extent. We are blessed to be here, and to say “yes, I know what it will be like and all that I’ll face” is completely and utterly naïve. How dare I even say I know what it is like. Yea, sure, I’ve seen things overseas, but I’ve not lived it.
“You are asking to suffer.”
I know and yet I don’t know. I don’t know in what all ways I will suffer for the Kingdom. Will I be able to handle it? Will I be able to stand strong as the power of Christ flows through every fiber of who I am, or will I play the role of Peter and deny the God I claim to love? I’ve not faced the daily “will I get to eat? Will I recover from this cold? How will my starving baby get the care he/she needs? Will I get clean water today? Will I wake up tomorrow? Will I be sold into slavery today? Will my parents come back for me? Will I be abducted and forced to fight against my will?
Come on, dude. You are blessed and you have NO CLUE what it’s really like for these people but I will learn. I will live with them, love them, share in their grief the best I can, and most importantly, be the hands and feet of Jesus for them and His love shines upon them through me.
“You will go hungry”
I know there will be days where I will go hungry, but so do so many others in the world. Heck, I had breakfast just a few hours ago and I’m already hungry again.
“You will be dirty”
And sweaty, and smelly, and grungy, but again, so are so many others in the world and I’m getting a head start. Didn’t shower last night after the gym. Too much information? Nah…
I am not deterred.
But am I strong enough?
No. I am not strong enough…
……But Christ is.
Christ in me is strong enough. It is not I, but He that will be reaching those on this journey. I am merely His tool with which He continues to build His Kingdom.
“My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.”
Psalm 73:26 (ESV)
