For many, entering into our 30’s looks something like this:
Yeah, for a time here and there I thought this way. I mean, come on; with what I have previously listed and no signs of things changing, can ya blame me? But the root of this is not an age thing. We all face this feeling at different points in our lives. We stand at the edge of a cliff staring down into who knows what. We have no choice but to cross the threshold and hope that the fall isn’t as bad as we thought it was, or that perhaps some miracle will take place and we’ll be magically saved.
The root of these feelings are of imminent and unavoidable change faced with a fear of the unknown and a feeling of failure. It is especially the fear of the unknown that grips us, doing its best to break us before we even begin our next chapters. But let’s get back to the topic here: I turned 30.
In the last couple months, I found myself oddly at peace about things, my place in life, future plans (lack there of honestly). In fact, I was optimistic, something I have to say isn’t always as prevalent as I’d like for it to be. But why is this? How have 29 year of steadily growing depression and hopelessness suddenly quieted down?
Prayer. Much many prayers. I have felt God moving in my heart over the last month. At least, this is what I tell myself…it’s so easy to deny the work that God has done and chalk it up to coincidence or our own strength and efforts. But seriously, I this wasn’t just me. I’ve said for years “God has this;it WILL get better for our hope is in Jesus.” Yet this hope wasn’t always there. I’m human. I question. When you come to a point in your life where you find yourself daily saying “there’s got to be more to life than this”, well…that ain’t good! Somethings’ got to give. Many mornings I’d drivet o work, the same path yet different jobs, praying “Lord, PLEASE just tell me what to do! Show me! What am I doing wrong? What would you have me do? What amd I here for? What can I do for you? Why won’t things change? Why won’t you just f***ing tell me something here because this is getting old and I can’t take it anymore…” but apparently I could, because this has been going on for years and after years of praying the same thing, well it gets old. So old (like me now apparently). But what else could I do?
Prayer. We are taught to pray without ceasing. Don’t stop praying just because you don’t see results. God doesn’t work on our time. It’s His timing and it is perfect whether we like it or not. HE knows what is best. It is in this time that answers may be forming. Something has changed. My self encouragement is not just lip service for my ears to hear. Saying “God has this” feels more like a confirmation than an “I hope He does but maybe He doesn’t”. So what I am 30, unmarried, living with my parents and struggling to have a bank account that isn’t full of tears. I am blessed to have what I have.
And then life happens……..
Some events happened in the last week that caused me to once again feel emotions and to have thoughts that make me think nothing is changing. Nothing will change. I’ll always be alone. This is just the way life will be and that is that, I mean what am I even doing anyways? It’s just the same ol’ crap.
And there is that cliff. You can look down and think “well, here I fall again. I hope at least I bounce instead of splatting everywhere”. You can look to the side for a possible place to run (or tuck and roll) to “safety”. Or you can choose to take a step of faith knowing that God does indeed have us, and as you do you find that you’re ok. God had you this entire tire time. Sure, change can be scary. Taking chances can be scary. Opening up your heart can be scary. Being the new kid, public speaking, driving anywhere in the US today where absolutely no one knows the rules of the road and can’t drive for crap, it’s all scary. Going up against the evils of this world can be scary. Eating processed foods, putting political signs in your yard, and blowing out a milestone candle on your birthday cake; it can all be scary.
What really changes the way we think and feel about these situations is how we respond to them, our thoughts and our actions. How do we approach them? Well if “with God” isn’t your first response, then you’ve already set yourself up for failure. The things I have faced in the last few days aren’t a sign that things haven’t changed. It’s life. 30 is the same as 29. It’s a number. Life doesn’t stop throwing lemons because you age or because you have a huge review tomorrow for a major promotion, or any number of situations. No; life goes on. It’s our attitudes that make or break us.
30? So what. So many heros from the bible didn’t hit their stride until they were 30. Heck, even Jesus didn’t begin till He was 30! It’s a number. Just a number. Now, as a southerner I could ramble on and on, but your eyes are probably tired from reading like mine are from writing, so just remember this: The only walls that block us are the ones we refuse to break through. 30 isn’t a wall;it’s a number and a blessing to have been here for 30 years. I am what I am, have accomplished what I have accomplished, have made mistakes and have learned, and I am grateful to be a Child of God. 30 is amazing and I can only imagine how wonderful this next decade of life will be as I continue to walk with and grown in Christ.
