Right now I feel extremely tired and alone.
It’s hard to believe that it hasn’t even been a year yet, that’s how hectic my life has been since the end of November when my Grandpa died. You have to know a little bit about my extended family to understand how tense the situation actually was.
Many of the conflicts between them are based on religion. I have an uncle who believes that he’s a chosen prophet. When I was younger I spent quite a lot of time with him, kind of a disciple of his. It messed me up a bit. At the time he wasn’t as radical but he totally taught a very legalistic works based gospel and it was convincing. There is enough truth and enthusiasm in what he says to make it confusing and hard to distinguish truth from lies.
I tried very hard to believe the way that my uncle does and live the kind of lifestyle that he preaches but it’s impossibe and I dare say that it’s unhealthy. Idolatry usually is. I explained somewhere how God called me to the race, but for those who don’t know I ended up burning out. High school ended and I kind of just decided I wanted nothing to do with God and dropped into depression. God brought me out of that and a large part of the restoration process he’s taken me through is the restoring of my dreams. The race is a part of that.
Anyways…
About a million crazy, crazy, stressful things have happened. It’s finally summer, all of my friends have either moved away or are off doing summer stuff and I’m working full time. I have been accepted to the World Race and it’s HUGE news but I don’t really have anyone to celebrate with. At least not someone who will praise God with me. I’m really busy with race and work and school prep.
I’m getting tired. I don’t think clearly anymore, I stumble over my words when I try to speak. Everything is an effort. I have to literally think about being friendly and inviting when talking to people. I’m worried about training camp and having to interact with people. I really just want to cry.
I need a break. I want peace. I want to feel comforted and totally at rest. I want to feel loved. I keep making an effort to get to know people through the blog but in the back of my mind I wonder if I don’t have an agenda. Am I just trying to obtain enough information so that I can fake friendly later on? I don’t think that’s the case, I’m too tired to think something so complex right now.
Am I excited? Umm… I dont’ honestly know, sometimes yes. It’s just a lot of work.
I want to be honest about the way that I’m feeling. I don’t want to fake happy when I’m really overwhelmed so I’m reaching out and asking for your prayers. Please pray for me. Pray for peace, rest and comfort but most of all pray that I would encounter God and get a whole new revelation of his love.
Thank you so much. Does any one else need prayer for something?
Nicole.
