worshipping God and reveling in his love for me. I had never felt his love in
such a powerful way, and I couldn’t help but laugh uncontrollably. I was
speechless.
where one of my teammates had been daring enough to love me in a way that hurt
like hell. She said, “Nina, you can really demean us with your words. When that
happens, it makes us feel this tall.” (Fingers spaced about two inches apart.)
I instantly felt a frustration and anger arising in my
heart, not towards this person but instead towards myself and towards God. I
had always known that I struggled in this area; I just didn’t know HOW I was
supposed to fix this problem in my life. I had asked God to fix it, but he hadn’t miraculously intervened. In that moment, I hated who I was.
Later that evening, this teammate invited me to come into
our kitchen and worship with her. I semi-reluctantly agreed, not feeling worthy
to stand before God. But what transpired in the kitchen that day slowly began
to rock my world.
change me, I saw one thing. His tender, loving face looked at me with a smile
too big to contain. He said, “My beloved daughter, do you think I love you any
more or any less? My love for you has not changed and will not change. Don’t
you see? You’re okay!”
met me. He saw all of me, and all of a sudden I began to experience his UNCONDITIONAL
love in the most real and tangible way. I was ugly, but God said I was
beautiful.
God is taking me through a season of 
heart transformation.
He’s been showing me that I still don’t understand how vast and big and
unconditional his love is for me. I think we could all agree that God’s love is
a magnificent, unexplainable force of the natural and supernatural realm, so
it’s not that I will ever fully understand it. Where I’ve always
struggled is receiving his love for me.
The biggest thing I’ve seen stand in the way of receiving love is that I’ve
always been under the impression that love must be earned. The lies were,
“As soon as you mess up, God will turn his back on you. You have to prove yourself
worthy to be loved.” All my life, I’ve worked and worked and worked instead of
just remaining settled in his love. I’ve been so afraid of losing his love that
I can’t do the one thing he desires: RECEIVE.
this. It doesn’t matter how many times you say it to yourself or to other
people. Change happens when you can actually claim the truth over your life,
believe that it’s true for you, and walk new in the revelation.
One of my biggest revelations on the Race was the meaning of
GRACE. I can honestly say that I’ve had such a wrong concept of this
five-letter word my entire life. One of the ways God began to teach me about
his grace was through a book called, “The Ragamuffin Gospel,” by Brennan
Manning. (Read it!)
There was a line in the book that went something like this.
“The reason you are so critical of others is because you are
critical of yourself.”
Oh, God. That’s me! I get it!
Here’s the really cool (and sort of ironic!) part. My name literally means,
“God’s gift of grace.”
(He has such a sense of humor.)
God’s grace allows me to stand before him, ugly and
bleeding; and instead of seeing a pitiful mess, he sees his beautiful creation
whom he longs to love.
I found so much freedom in my life from things that had been suffocating me
from just living life in joy and peace and contentment. But now things are
different. Now I am back to “normal life,” and I have to face some deeper
issues in my heart.
I’m not “finished” or “complete,” but God IS continuing to
work in me. He’s stripping me, and it hurts. But at the end of the day, I can say with confidence, “Thank you, God, for your grace. Empower me, strengthen me, and uphold me by your righteous right hand. YOU are mighty to save.”
