Have you ever started something and while in the middle of it and the hardness of things just wanted to throw in the towel and give up? Have you ever felt rejection? Have you ever wanted to go home – not because you were homesick, but because you thought it would be easier than being where you are at? IF you’re on the race and not having those thoughts at least once in 11 months, then I would like to have a conversation with you.
**Just so everyone knows I am NOT going home. Although there are days were the thought of going home now seems easier than staying here. I am pretty sure that is not unusual.
The race is built not only for spiritual growth, but also personal growth. Growth. What does that word even mean? How do you even describe what you are going through right now? Why is growth so important? Why is community important? Why do I have to be around these people, when they don’t even want to be around me? Why put us all on a team when some of the members – scratch that – when all of the members did not design their own team. Our team was picked for us.
These are the thoughts that are all running through my head at the moment. I did not get any sleep last night because my heart is heavy. My heart is broken. Not just for this team, but for the countries we have been in the last four months. I have felt like wanting to throw in the towel and quit at least once in the last 3 months.
I feel like I am alone in those thoughts, however, I know that I am not. Although, going home seems like the easier thing to do, it’s not. Going home would be against God’s will for my life. Going home would be throwing away the blessings I have received. I am not just talking about the monetary blessings. Going home would be quitting. The game is not over yet. My journey is just now starting.
It’s not the thought of going home that is wrong or bad. It’s dwelling there and not wanting to push through it. It’s not fleeing temptation when things get hard. It’s not choosing in. IF I were to just throw in the towel and call it quits, I would be allowing Satan to win. Unfortunately, for him anyways, I am NOT going to give him that power.
As much as I have changed places in life or positions or moved, change has always given me the feeling of shutting those out closest to me so that I could protect myself and my feelings – hurt those closest to me before they can hurt me. What kind of life is that? It only does more harm than good. Not to mention it is not healthy.
I have devoted this year to helping me become a more healthy person – in ALL aspects of life. Going home would not be the healthy thing for me to do. Staying and choosing in, choosing my teammates, choosing change, choosing God is the place that I want to be.
Love
~Jan
Ps. God has revealed to me to write the hardships of the race just as much as I right the happy moments and ministry moments. It can be difficult at times to show the hard parts but those are the parts the Lord wants me to do my best in showing.
