I have literally wrote this blog 10 times in my head. I have been very afraid to put it out on paper and for everyone to read. This is real talk. This is my heart and where I am at right now.
As most people reading this know, I moved back from South Korea about 2 months ago. It has been a crazy 2 months. But something I have realized and am starting to let sink in, is how brokenhearted I am. And not from a guy. However, from my family. October 31, 2013 I lost my cousin and my family all in the same day.
My cousin Cory died of cancer 3 months before he turned 25. I was unemployed at the time and was not able to get to Ohio to say my goodbyes while he was still alive nor for his funeral. My mom wanted me to pack up and move home even though I only had $7.95 in my bank account. That wouldn’t even fill up a tank of gas for me. So, I chose to stay in Florida. At the time, I was the one doing all the calling, all the visiting. Everything in the relationship at that point was initiated by me. That is not a healthy relationship. You see, my relationship with my birth mother didn’t start till after I was in college. I had found her 10.5 years ago while I was a senior in high school. In fact, I met her and my sister the day before I graduated high school. We have never really had a close relationship.
My mentor at the time told me to stop calling my mom and see how long it would take for her to reach out to me. Well aside from 2 phone calls that I initiated for specific information that was very important, she never called me. While I was in South Korea, I decided to give it another go and risk my heart getting broke into pieces again. I sent her a letter and we tried again. Things were great up until February. I told them I was going to go on the world race, and that I was going to go meet my sister and that I would not be able to afford a trip home at the time. I have not heard anything from her since. I have even messaged her to tell her about my new phone number when I landed back in the states.
It is just not in the cards for me to have a relationship with my birth family. So here I am, 28 and literally living life on my own. I have God and the family that he has given me in Christ. But, its just not the same. As I am getting to know more of my squad mates and hear their stories a piece of my heart breaks more and more. I don’t have family like they do. My support system is very small. I don’t have a mom, dad, brother or sister to share all the great adventures and struggles with.
I do have a great roommate and her family is awesome. But I still feel like I am borrowing a family. It is weird and some nights I just want to cry myself to sleep thinking about how alone in this world I truly am. I question what I could do to make people love me more to want to be in my life and I question most days if I am even lovable by man. I know that God loves me, He sent Christ to die so that I could get to heaven. I am so thankful for the heavenly father and the figure he has given me, but there are some days that I just want to be able to go to someone and talk and get that parental advice.
I am excited about the world race and all the family I am going to gain from it. But at the same time I am so heartbroken by the lack of family that I have that I can call my own. I have so much love to give and am really looking forward to love on all the orphans that I come in contact with and love on and pray over.
I know I rambled a lot, but this is where my heart is right now. Broken.
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