This blog is a little raw, and a little emotional for me to write.
This blog isn’t something awesome, except what the Lord has been doing through me these last couple of weeks. Here are a couple of raw journal entries of how I was mad and aggravated.
Monday Jan. 4, 2016 – 10:45 A.M.
I don’t understand why this happened to me. Lord, why did you let this happen to me? I’m in so much pain and my leg is killing me. I’m immoveable. What if I have to go home? Lord, I am not ready to go home. What is going to happen to me? I feel like I’m no help and now I’m going to be annoying my team mates. Lord, what are you showing me through this? Please tell me that your fruit is going to be coming out of this. Yesterday was so rough. Olivia is sick and well on the way back to the compound my knee decided to dislocate. This time it’s different, I’m experiencing pain I usually don’t feel. I don’t want people to feel sorry for me and I don’t want to have to rely on other people. This is making angry and upset. Lord there have been so many people praying over my knees yet here I am once again in this excruciating pain, why isn’t anything coming out of all those other prayers? Lord, why are you forcing me to rest? Here I am struggling all over again. Lord, I need your mercy and love to shine through this. Please forgive my angry and blind heart.
Well that was day one. I have reached out to my prayer team, family, and some friends and it seemed like my heart has only gotten worse. All my life I have had knee problems (both knees). It has been a part of my identity of who I am. I brought all the right tools to prevent it, and God has shown me all through my World Race journey that He will carry me through this. From training camp (with the hike and AMAZING results of not dislocating at all), in Swaziland (the first time it dislocated), Nepal (30 minute walks into town), and now He is trying to show me something here in Cambodia.
Thursday Jan. 7, 2015 – 1:30 P.M.
At this point I’m ready to give up. I want to go home. I am now officially homesick. I don’t want to be in this hot heat on a bed in a room filled with mosquitos. People have been praying for me constantly and the pain is still at a high. I am officially on the World Race slump. I can’t do anything; I haven’t been doing ministry and I’m just lying here like a limp body. Pain medicine hasn’t been able to stop the pain. My bed honestly sounds so nice right now. I’m ready to quit. Lord, I’m trying to seek you. I’ve tried worship and letting you comfort my heart. I experienced something great but when I’m not doing it I am not feeling your presence and I’m not understanding why I am going through this. It’s just not making sense. I want to go home. I’m done and I’m tried.
The World Race Slump: when you are tired of ministry, your drained, sick of community, and fighting the fight, you are ready to go home. In other words, HOMESICKNESS. Since getting hurt I’ve been extremely homesick. All the thoughts of being a burden, not worth the fight, and all the other lies the enemy has tried to make me feel came flooding back in. I felt not equipped or fit enough to be doing ministry.
Saturday Jan. 9, 2016 – 5:45 P.M.
It’s been almost a week. A WEEK. Today I finally bought crutches to hopefully help me become more mobile and help with the pain. I still don’t understand why this is happening. I am miserable. Now on top of that I have the stomach bug and can’t seem to hold ANY food down the last couple of days. I nervous that they are going to send me home. I am super thankful for everything that my team has done for me so far. I just really want to get better. Lord, I pray for goodness to come of this. I pray for wisdom as I have to wait two more weeks to see a doctor in Thailand. I pray that everything is okay. I thank you for the servant hearts in my teammates and the goodness that they carry. I pray that things continue to look up.
And well, they have been. Slowly but surely the pain is slowly going away. I still have crutches but at least I am moveable. I got to finish out ministry and be with my team mates more instead of elevating my leg. I would be lying if I said my heart is perfect, it’s not. I’m still in that “want to go home slump”, but I must admit I let my injury get the best of me this month instead of embracing what the Lord put in front of me. I have been angry with God. My Father, Provider, Counselor. I haven’t been faithful in Him. I don’t give him enough credit and I don’t give Him enough power in His healing.
I was reading my Bible yesterday and I was brought to Hebrews 12 (my team and I are doing a study on Hebrews):
“… consider him who endured from sinners such hostility against himself, so that you may not grow weary or fainthearted… it is discipline that you have to endure. God is treating you as sons. For what son is there Whom his father does not discipline? … for the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it. Therefore lift your drooping hands, and strengthen your weak knees, and make a straight path for your feet, so that the lame may not be put out of joint but rather be healed.”
My bad attitude isn’t going to do any justice. My Papa, Counselor, HEALER is crying out. “JANELLE DO NOT GROW WEARY. LIFT YOUR DROOPING HANDS AND PRAISE ME! CAN’T YOU SEE I WANT TO HEAL YOU. I’M RIGHT HERE! SET YOUR PATH STRAIGHT!”
I don’t give Him enough credit. I can sit and be upset all day, or I can choose in and give Him glory. I have been taking what He has given me for granted. Instead of resting in His word I chose to watch movies, and sit in my pity. Lord I’m sorry. Papa, please forgive my attitude. I’m sorry for being angry and having my heart angry with you. This is not my timing but yours; let your will be done.
I’m not perfect, shoot no one is but I’m taking the steps. I see me finishing the race set out before me. I’m laying myself down, lifting my hands, giving it all to my Papa. My spirit is ready to take control and fight.
“One thing I have asked of the Lord, that I will seek after: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and to inquire in his temple” –Psalm 27
I want to seek your face at all times. Dive deeper into what you have for me and worship you and give you glory.
Look back at all of this, from the moment I got hurt I see the Lords soft whisper “Janelle I’m right here.” Laying in my bed while icing my knee and crying for hours because I feeling like this is it. I see the Father shaking His head, Janelle if only you could see whats going to come out of this. Th moment I got my crutches, Janelle put your faith in me. Everything will be okay. Every moment has been rising up to that wake up call in the Scripture. Sometimes, we need our Father to come in hot and not hold back His feelings.
As for my supporters, I thank you every time you are praying for me. I know the Lord is going to come through in His timing. I ask that you guys continue to pray for healing. My doctor appointment is with an orthopedic in Bangkok, on January 22nd.
