Halfway point
It’s the halfway point of the race, so I thought I would share with you something I have recently been learning. It’s a little word called faith.
I have to be honest with you…this journey hasn’t been at all what I expected. I came from a solid community – people who challenged me, encouraged me, and shaped who I am. They introduced me to Holy Spirit, to the power of prayer, to the knowledge of sonship and inheritance….among many other beautiful revelations of Jesus. Through them, God has done many wonders in my life. And in September, I chose to leave these people I call family, and follow the call to see God’s glory in the nations.
I quickly realized the first week that I was living with people who had all kinds of different beliefs about God and about community and about life, and very few held similar beliefs to me. While diversity is a beautiful thing, it can also be an extremely challenging thing. I came from a culture who has a solid relationship with Holy Spirit. Speaking in tongues and prophesying isn’t a scary thing, but rather an everyday thing. Coming into a new community where people are just beginning a relationship with the Holy Spirit has been difficult, and those challenges quickly brought me to low place. I remember sitting on my bed in Cambodia -month 2- and physically longing for my friends at home due to some team stuff going on and feeling misrepresented because of all the ‘charismatic’ beliefs I held. Those feelings stayed until recently.
The past five months, you might could say I had a veil over my eyes. I couldn’t see or understand what God was doing. At the end of Thailand, I received a prophetic word about being a Paul for my squad. I had received the same word from my friend Daniel before I left the race. Needless to say, I wasn’t very thrilled. Paul faced hardships left and right. He went through SO much for the sake of the gospel. It was a sobering comparison to me at the time.
Every month on the race, I have been really sick and have gone through trial after trial. I couldn’t seem to catch a break, and I was quickly becoming discouraged. I am pretty sure I told God ‘this isn’t what I came here for’ multiple days a week. This past month in Rwanda, I entered Africa leading a new team, and praying for something new…something different than the past four months. However, trial and adversity still came. I reached a point where I couldn’t go any further. Laying on my bunkbed one night, I realized I was bored and discontent with the race. I honestly thought I would see miracles and wonders every day, and every night would be a Holy Spirit jam session. I thought I would be surrounded by people who held the same beliefs I did, and who could push me forward into deeper things. I never expected life would be so hard, and that I would face so much. My attitude quickly turned negative, and I was following a dangerous path of resentment. I couldn’t understand why God brought me here.
The next day, I received an email from a very dear friend, and she asked me some very hard questions…questions that drove me to seek God’s will in my life. Almost instantly in that moment of brokenness, God spoke, and his voice shook everything up.
He led me to Psalm 78. In this psalm, he reminds the people to record the things he has done for them so that they would not fall into rebellion and forget his works. He told me to go read my journal of the past 7 months of my life and see what I find. So I did. And the veil began to lift.
The past six months, I HAVE seen God move in mighty ways. I have seen people take those steps out of darkness and walk towards the light. I have seen a man completely wasted by alcohol become sober in an instant by the power of the Holy Spirit. I have seen God encounter broken men in bars and women trapped in prostitution who find no worth in themselves. I have seen joy take the place of hopelessness and depression. I have seen a Muslim man encounter Jesus. I have seen a broken boy and girl feel accepted for the first time in their lives. I have seen God move, and I have learned a whole lot.
So once I realized he actually has been moving, he began to speak regarding all that I have suffered and faced. He led me to Abraham, and how Abraham trusted God and kept the faith, even when God asked him to give up his most precious possession -his son- and because of it, he was blessed. This story was prophesied over me in Malaysia, and again in Rwanda. After that, I went to read my devotional, Streams in the Desert, and once again, it was about faith. One thing that caught my attention was his definition of faith: Great faith is exhibited not so much in ability to do as to suffer. Prophets and apostles could work wondrous miracles, but they could not always do and suffer the will of God. To do and suffer God’s will is still the highest form of faith, the most sublime Christian achievement. That sounds a whole lot like Paul to me.
Another word he gave me was ‘Ephraim’- which means making fruitful in the land of affliction. The contacts church we are working at this month in Kenya is named Ephraim! Word after word was given to encourage, correct, and guide me. It seemed like everyday he couldn’t stop speaking!
I asked God before the race to teach me how to have joy amidst suffering, and to increase my faith for the impossible. I also asked him to teach me perseverance so that I would be found faithful in the end. Well….I should have known God would answer. 🙂 He is molding me into his likeness, and to be like Jesus means to suffer as he suffered. In this I can rejoice. In this I can have joy. In Revelation 3, it talks about the church that patiently endures – and the promise that comes of enduring. I know that when I see Jesus face to face – all of the things that I have and will go through in life will fade away at one look of his eyes. So if I must drink the cup from that of which he drank – I will do so gladly!
The past debrief in Kenya was a turning point for me. Gone are all of my expectations of the race. Gone are my feelings of boredom and discontent. Gone are the feelings of loneliness. My squad is now my family. I look at them and see friends – I see family. I don’t want to blaze ahead and do this race alone, but I want them by my side, experiencing and encountering with me. I see everything in a new light. I no longer walk by what I haven’t seen and what God hasn’t done – but rather I am focusing on what God is and has done.
The fog I was in seems to have lifted, and I have a different perspective of what it means to follow Jesus. I no longer want control of this year. I want his leadership, his guidance, and his plans. I want to know his heart – his thoughts. I want to fall even more in love with him and know him even more.
So, as far as my future on the race, I have no idea what the next 5 1/2 months hold. I have no idea what tomorrow holds. But I know this, whatever comes, there is no turning back. I trust him. I have faith that, even if I don’t see the promises, he is still good and they WILL come to pass. It’s so worth it to go through the refining and the suffering. It’s worth it to work out my salvation. It’s worth it to follow him at all costs. This is a new beginning for me on the race…a chance to live even more for him. Wow – his grace for mess-ups like me is astounding!
Here’s to new things and an amazing 5 1/2 more months on the race!!! 🙂
