I never thought I would go this far without believing I was loved. Since I was a little kid, if someone would have asked me if God loves me I would have said an enthusiastic “YES” without hesitation. Before I left for the race I would have given the same response because, duh. But six months into being on the mission field after giving up everything for the sake of Jesus’ name someone asked me if I knew God loved me and I realized for the first time, the answer was actually no.
A couple weeks ago my squad had an Awakening with an 11n11 squad in Siem Reap. An Awakening is a time for two World Race teams that are serving in the same country at the same time to meet up and essentially show God to each other. We did teachings, prayer times, evangelism, fun activities, story-telling, and worship together for two days. Leading up to worship the first night I was feeling spiritually off. I felt like I was being attacked from every corner and all of my insecurities were coming out. The first song we sang that night was Reckless Love by Cory Asbury. A song I have sung tons of times and started to just go through the motions with. I sang the words all those times without ever asking myself if I believed them. That was until someone actually asked me. My mentor came forward after we finished the song and said that she felt like at least one person in the room didn’t actually believe the words they were singing. I immediately felt like a spotlight was put on me by the Lord saying it was me. We were told to raise our hands if it was us so people could pray for us. I did not want to raise my hand. Let me tell you I did not want to be the hand that shot up saying “I’m on a 9 month mission trip but I don’t believe God loves me!!” But as I stood there in the silence I knew I had to do it. I knew deep down I didn’t believe it and God was asking me to let people in. I raised my hand and soon after I was surrounded by people I had just met and people I have been doing life with since I left home. They laid hands on me and prayed for me. In the midst of hearing bits and pieces of the sweet prayers being said around me and feeling the tears stream down my face I felt my teammate’s hands on my face. She held my face in her hands and prayed a prayer of freedom over me. She spoke truth over the lies I have been believing about God all of my life. She held me as the Father would his daughter. She spoke to me as the Father has been and it became so real all in that one moment. After everyone prayed for me we sang Reckless Love again and this time I actually paid attention to the words. I realized the power in those words and saw for the first time that they were actually true to me. Not just to the people I have been loving and serving these six months, but God’s reckless, never-ending, never-failing love was for me too.
Since the Awakening, it feels like I have been reintroduced to Jesus. I realized that most of what I believed about Jesus wasn’t true and I have been living a life of religion, not relationship. I fully believed and have been telling other people their worth in Jesus and the love he has for them while never asking if I believed it for myself. I have learned that it is so easy to go through the motions of following Jesus without stopping for one second and realizing where you actually are with him. What is trying to teach you? What is he trying to tell you? I think sometimes following Jesus looks like walking with our head down saying “ya, ya Jesus. What do you want me to do?” When really most of the time he just wants us to look up and see the love in his eyes and just be with him. Actually be in a relationship with him and see his love for us. And after we experience his true love we will want to run with Jesus wherever he goes. But we can go a long time without actually asking ourselves if we believe in the love Jesus has for us. I made it 19 years before I realized there is so much more Jesus is offering me than a to-do list. He wants a relationship. So that is what this second half of Cambodia has been. Seeking out the relationship I was created for. The missing piece if you will. I am reading the Word with completely fresh eyes like I’m reading it for the first time. It has been the hardest yet sweetest couple of weeks.
Now let me ask you, do you truly believe God loves you? Do you believe that you are worth someone climbing every mountain and hiking every valley to get to you? That is true love. A love only the Father can give you. A love that is being offered to you every day no matter how long it has been since you accepted Jesus. 1 year, 5 years, 15 years, 30 years, it doesn’t matter. His love is constant and never changing. Even when the seasons in our lives change or our circumstances get harder or easier, his love is real and right there. The only question is is your head up to see it or are you staring at the ground of the same spot you have been in with Jesus for however long? He is calling us forward into a new love we have never experienced before.
This is true love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. -1 John 4:10
