The race, just like life, has many ups and downs. Some days are great and some days are a drag. Sometimes entire months can be one or the other. Regardless of what you are dealt, at the end of it all, and many times smack dab in the middle of it, you are left with a great deal to process.
At the end of our final month we said a very hard goodbye to the children we had been teaching. They were all in tears, and some of us were too. It was only as we said goodbye that I realized the impact we had had on them. And I also realized that some of them had probably very rarely, if ever, had an older person play with them and pay attention to them like we had. Again, more to process.
The race has a habit of constantly revealing new things about yourself that you never knew. Some bad, others good. Lately, for instance, I have realized that I have a deep root of people pleasing, and it causes me to run to others for things when I should be running to God. Sometimes I find something bad or that I do not like about myself, and I feel like I am making headway. Then something happens, and I find myself seemingly at square one again, and am tempted to be discouraged.
I have found myself on many occasions thinking, “Oh my goodness, I am wasting my race!” or “If I can’t get a handle on this on the race when will I?” My latest lesson is that if I look at myself for too long, I will always find something to worry or fret over, but if I look at God then all of that falls away. I see that He is God and He is glorious and I again have peace. My need to worry simply vanishes and I realize, contrary to my feelings, that I am new and I am enough.
Lately I have been feeling so privileged. I have gotten to do something not many people do, and have seen more at 22 than many people ever will. At times it is hard for me to wrap my head around that. And after seeing all the things I have seen and having done all the things I have done, I wonder just who it is I have become in the end. I know that I am new, and I wonder how this new person, this new Jamison, will relate to the things he used to know. Like Ben Rector sings “I just can’t be sure that that’s the way I am anymore.”
I pray to God that I do not become the person I used to be, that is every racer’s fear, because it is far too easy. It is so easy to just kind of float back to where you were, surrounded by America’s comforts. I have come way to far for that. To go back is death. To continue forward is life. Forward is the only direction left for me and I find myself unable to do anything but charge into it. So when I return, you can rest assured I will not be standing still.
Admittedly, I am tired. But if you happen to see me at home, do not hesitate to ask me about my trip. I will be more than happy to share with you anything you would like to know. Indeed, I cannot keep silent about what I have seen. I love you all and cannot wait to see you. So here’s to the new me, and here’s to America!
