“Would you shave your head for me?”
God asked me that question. And as you may have guessed, my answer was yes.
Why? Here’s the story…
I have lived a selfish life, I have struggled with ego for a long time, I have not sought out humility, and I have found my identity in myself for a LONG time. One of the ways I have found my identity is in my hair. I was born with thick, bright, blonde hair. I have been known for it throughout my life. I was always hearing comments growing up on the color, the thickness, the “natural highlights” I have, etc. I let it feed into my ego.
I had plans for my hair on the World Race- every month doing something different. A new color, a new cut, a new bold step. The intentions? When it came down to it… to bring glory to myself. Not a lot of people will be honest about their intentions behind their social media posts but here I am, in all vulnerability. I wanted the likes, the comments, the attention, the recognition.
And this is not just with my hair. THAT has been my life struggle. The reputation, the recognition, the desire to be significant, the thinking so highly of myself and holding control of my life. I’ve had addictions to social media, I’ve been the one to turn every part of the conversation to myself, I’ve told white lies to make myself look better, I’ve obsessed over what people think of me, etc. etc.
God has had a big process of humbling Jamilyn. It’s taken years and yet I still feel like we have a long ways to go. Humility was one of the words that God gave me for this year and the other day I found myself pursuing the complete opposite; the exact things that me and God have worked years to get rid of. I felt convicted. I ran to Him in repentance and journaled a prayer of surrender…
God, there are so many things that I hold onto or pick up after laying them at your feet. These things are not mine, this life is not mine, but all yours. I want everything that you have given me or blessed me with to be held with open hands. I want your name to be known but it is so easy to get caught up in myself. I give you everything, Lord. I do not want this life if you are not glorified. I want more of you and less of me. Teach me more about letting go; you are the only thing I want to hold onto. Continue to teach me how to let go of everything in my life. I want to lay my entire life down, every single day. Show me how to do that. You are enough for me. Help me to not look to the left or to the right but solely on what you are doing in my life. Let me run into your arms. I do everything for an audience of one. Help me to live that out. Amen.
And friends, if you ask for a way to live out humility and surrender, you shall receive. That’s when I hear this question: “Would you shave your head for me?” Here I was talking about living in surrender and wanting to release control and God touches the very thing that shined light to the fact that I wasn’t and what I needed to do in order to do so.
And like any daughter that holds onto things, I fought back. I stepped into worry and fear and started listing out all the ideas I couldn’t do that. And He combatted every single one of them.
I’m scared.
I will never leave you nor forsake you.
I’m going to look and feel ugly.
You are beautifully and wonderfully made.
What am I going to look like in pictures and videos?
Is your identity in your appearance or in Me?
Are guys going to notice me anymore?
The right man will come along who loves you for your fire and passion for Me.
How is everyone going to react? What are they going to think?
Do not put your worth in what others think.
How am I going to feel every day looking in the mirror?
Every time will be a reminder of WHOSE you are.
I won’t get wind in the hair moments!
But you will get wind in your SOUL.
And His good truths go on and on.
You are BRAVE, my child.
Daughter, do not look to the right or to the left, but keep your eyes on Me.
I love you.
My name will finally be glorified, not Yours.
You are giving up all of that for Me.
You will move mountains with Me, but 1st we need to do this, to let go, give Me everything, to rid of yourself to make room for Me.
He lead me to the story of the rich young ruler. God asked him to give up all of his possessions to follow Jesus. Jesus didn’t want his money but the very thing in his heart that kept him from following Him. Jesus wanted all of him, He wanted his heart. In the same way God wants all of me and my hair is that thing, the aspect of myself that represents so much more where I’m the one who gets the control and the glory and that keeps me from full surrender.
I talk all the time about living my entire life for God- it’s time to live that out.
