There was a lot that happened in December. I graduated college. I moved. I packed up everything I own and took just a backpack. I said some hard goodbyes to some wonderful people (and dog). I had a family Christmas. And I reflected on 2017 and all that God did in it.
That’s a lot of memories to choose from.
But just the other day I had to say goodbye to my best friend. So, this is my photo of the month:
December 27, 2017
This is Jackson. He’s my not-so-little little brother. And yeah, my little brother is my best friend. In 1996, he completed our family and we have been attached at the hip ever since.
We got these tattoos together a few months ago. Looking back, it might have been the only time when we were both in a good place in our lives. An interesting thing about mine and Jackson’s relationship is that God has never allowed us to suffer at the same time. He has provided the other person to be the rock, the supporter, and the encourager for the other in their most desperate time of need. Me and Jack have both reached some pretty desperate times in the last few years.
Almost three years ago we looked at each other and made the decision to move to Portland and pursue our education at Multnomah University. It was a hard decision, but what made it so much easier is that we were doing it together. We packed up our lives and followed God’s call to this rainy city in the Pacific North West. It was a difficult transition, but we clung to each other and remained attached at the hip. I had such a difficult time in transition- I don’t do well with change, and well, that’s one of Jackson’s strengths. He’s one of the most adaptable people I know. In this new environment, he was my buffer, my encourager, and my adventure buddy. Jack is so outgoing and friendly to everyone he comes into contact with and I fed off of that as we tried to make community and friendship. When I was shy, I begged him to come with me. And he did, as good brothers do.
Not long after that, Jack struggled. He felt lost with the Lord, confused about his purpose, sick of Christianity, questioning his faith, and just a bit broken. I watched him struggle and ask all the hard questions. I sat with him in his dorm and we talked about God, I took him out to lunch and listened to his frustrations, and I prayed with him when that was the last thing he could bring himself to do. I remember him coming straight to me after a school chapel one day, sitting down next to me, and almost collapsing on my shoulder in tears. For some odd reason, that’s one of my favorite memories. I have always loved being there for my baby brother- for almost 22 years I have loved every second of it.
By the grace of God, Jackson come through to the other side of that struggle and fell in love with Jesus in a new and exciting way. At that exact same time, I spiraled into the darkest season of my life. Depression and anxiety ruled my life and suddenly I wasn’t myself. I dealt with doubt, addiction, sin, shame, anger, bitterness, and heavy mental illness that lead to suicidal wishes. I can say with certainty that I would not be alive today writing this if it wasn’t for Jackson. Many were the nights where I was so lonely and depressed and texted Jack and he dropped everything he was doing and raced to my side. Sometimes that meant going 100mph on the freeway, or sitting and praying with me in my car as I wept for hours, or driving me to work to help me quit my job, or laying on my bed as I wished for death as he whispered “You are my biggest priority.” My nights were so low that on drives home from work I fought the urge to purposefully crash my car. One of the things that kept me from doing it was knowing I would cause Jackson pain if I did. He was my person and I was his and I knew that. So I didn’t.
By the grace of God, I came through to the other side of this struggle and fell in love with Jesus in a new and exciting way. Do you see a pattern here? I came home from Training Camp for the World Race overwhelmed with what God did in my life and feeling such healing and restoration. A few days from returning home, I was sitting with Jack at home listening to his heart and knowing he was about to fall into another rough season. I watched him spiral into what God just brought me out of. It was my turn to step up.
I’ve spent the last few months being that support for him; as best I could. I’ve never prayed more in my entire life. I gave up sleep, energy, time, money I didn’t have, and even thought about postponing my World Race to be there for him- and I’d do it all over again. He saved my life and I will do anything and everything in my power for him to find the purpose in his again. I feel a little bit broken having to say goodbye to him; feels like surgery after being attached at the hip for so long.
As hard as it is for me to leave him, I can see God working in Jack and the Lord’s overwhelming and never ending love for this baby brother of mine. God has told me again and again in my prayers for Him “You are not deserting him. You leave him in My capable and perfect hands. I have not left him, I will not leave him, and I love him more than you do.” Yes, God You do.
Our tattoo: a heart beat line with waves. First, we have saltwater hearts- we grew up at the beach. One hour standing in those waves hits the reset button for our souls. It’s in our blood. Second, it’s our reminder as we have struggled with anxiety that the God who created our hearts can calm the stormy waves of the sea and the rate of our heartbeat. So thankful I carry this reminder with me while on the race, but also a tie back to my little brother’s hip 😉
This is us two and a half years ago on our way to this new adventure in Portland.
Jack, I’d do it all over again with you. Wouldn’t trade it for anything. All the highs, all the lows, all the in betweens. Love you more than you know and yet God loves you more.
All my love,
JJ
To my readers, if you know and love Jack, join me in encouraging him during his tough season. Comment below your words of affirmation, your hope for his life, or a short thought on what a wonderful person he has been in your life.
