I am currently on the World Race. If you don’t know what that is, it’s an 11 month trip to 11 different countries serving the poorest of the poor, living in community with people all over the world and going where God feels He needs hands and feet to go. I spent my first month in Haiti where I lived and worked at an orphanage and school with children have sought refuge from difficult situations.
While I was in Haiti, I had a lot of internal battles going on within me. Although I could put on a happy face and help serve these children the best way that I could, inside I was at war. Why? Because I was sitting in so much shame of who I was. I had hatred for myself, I was insecure, I was cripple by past sin, and I did NOT feel God’s love for me. I continued on day in and day out helping out at the school and playing with the kids every day. They absolutely loved it when I picked them up and spun them around, always asking for another; a third, a fourth, a fifth time around.
Unbeknownst be me, some of my teammates had taught the children some English phrases to remember. Amidst my battle of shame and insecurity, a little child, maybe not even three years old, would come up to me saying “I am kind, I am smart, I am beautiful, and Jesus loved me.” One day my shame was too great, my dislike and disdain for myself was too weighty, the lies that Satan and his army were whispering to me were so overwhelming and hearing those words from a child who probably has no idea what they mean absolutely broke me. It sent me into tears, into isolation, but ultimately into my Heavenly Father’s arms.
How does The Greatest Showman plays a part in this? Oh just you wait…
On this day my entire team wanted to go play basketball or soccer with the locals and all I wanted to do was curl up into a ball. So I did. Almost the entire compound was empty, so I found a spot in the orphanage on the second floor by a barred window, watched the sunset, and tuned out the world with my music. I hugged my knees, I wet them with my tears and I listened to Satan’s lies and believed all of them.
I am ignored.
I am disrespected.
I am helpless.
I am shameful.
I am hateful.
I am lost.
I am confused.
I am unworthy.
I am annoying.
I am ugly.
I am useless.
I reminded God of the time a few months ago when I could look in the mirror without any makeup on a exclaim “You are beautiful!” I was so far from that.
“How do I get back to that God?” I felt frustrated that God wasn’t speaking to me and all I could say was “God, speak to me. Show me love. Speak to me… with ANYTHING.” My iPhone was on shuffle and my new favorite movie/musical comes blaring through my headphones.
The Greatest Showman- This is Me.
And all at once I felt the weight of His love for me. Have you listened to those lyrics? Have you seen the movie? Y’all, God is in everything and He knows how to reach His children. Sometimes when the enemy is on all sides, He uses His daughter’s favorite musical to speak truth into her.
I was suddenly listening to statements and truths God wanted me to believe.
“I’ve learned to be ashamed of all my scars.
Hide away, they say, we don’t want your broken parts…
Run away, they say, No one will love you as you are.
I won’t let them break me down to dust…
When the sharpest words wanna cut me down
I’m gunna send a flood gunna drown them out
I am brave
I am bruised
I am who I am meant to be
This is me…
Another round of bullets hits my skin
Fire away cause today, I won’t let that shame sink in…
And I know that I deserve Your love…”
And suddenly I heard truths straight from God Himself.
I am not done with you.
You are mine.
I have so much more for you.
Come to me.
You are beautiful.
You have significance in Me.
You are not unworthy.
You are chosen.
I have given you talents.
Joy is right around the corner.
Find Me in your community.
Dance with Me.
Keep your eyes on Me.
I delight in you, My child.
I love give you wonderful gifts.
I know the desires of your heart.
I am always with you.
I am always listening.
I am doing a good work in you.
I am peace.
I am high above it all.
You walk in power through Me.
My word is a love letter to you.
I am working through you to reach other children of Mine.
I go before you and behind you.
You are worthy.
It is finished, Jamilyn! I have already taken care of your shame!
Your sins are forgiven.
I am molding you to be more like Me.
I am making you into a wonderful and God-fearing wife and mother.
I know what is ahead of you.
Trust Me.
I give you grace, now you need to give yourself some.
I love you, my beloved daughter.
YES LORD. You used my favorite musical, my favorite dance playlist, my favorite movie and actors to reach your daughter sitting alone and downcast in Mirebalais, Haiti. I was baffled. I laughed out loud. I could not just listen to that song once!
So I stood up, put the song on one more time, turned up the volume, and danced my heart out. I ended up in the bathroom in a small compound in Mirebalais, Haiti dancing my little heart out to my favorite musical, hearing the Lord speak through each lyric that He made me beautiful and perfect.
But God wasn’t done using this amazing musical to show me His love.
After our first month in Haiti, my team traveled to our first debrief to reflect on our ministry we just took part in and to take time to rest and fill our cups before heading into more. We spent a few days at a hostel in the Dominican Republic in quiet, reflection, worship, and hearing from our leaders.
The new struggle I was facing was being frustrated that I wasn’t hearing from God. I wasn’t getting visions and dreams and a still small voice that everyone else was talking about. Here I was, ready and willing to do His work but I couldn’t because I just got NOTHING from Him. I want to be a follower that steps out in prophecy and tongues and wisdom and speaks visions and truth over people. God make me that person! I reached my brink of frustration.
That night our squad mentor Megan spoke about spiritual gifts. Grrrreeeeeaaat. Another reminder that I am not where I want to be. My stomach turns, I begin to cry, I am so desperate to be close to God but I feel He left out to dry. Megan spoke into our hunger for spiritual gifts and challenged us with the question: “Do you want the gifts or the Giver?”
I asked one of our coaches to pray over me and through the Holy Spirit working through Him, He says words from God that I finally needed to hear. “I want to do these things in your life, but you have left no room for Me. You are sitting on the throne that is meant for Me.” I was all about what I wanted, what kind of person I wanted to be. I wanted to preform for people with God’s gifts, I wanted to be someone that people admired, I wanted attention and reputation. When it came down to it, I wanted the gifts, not the Giver. I needed to renew my heart with Him.
I have struggled with performance, with perfectionism, with wanting everyone and their mother to know what a perfect Christian I am. God called me out on this, helped me lay down my striving, my performing, my seeking out of some sort of formula or box to put God in. I was living my life for myself and for other people’s cheers, always wanting more from God and never being satisfied. This was a wake up call
On the bus ride the next day to our next ministry sight, I laugh out loud when my favorite musical pops up again on shuffle:
The Greatest Show- From Now On
From Now on, these eyes will not be blinded by the lights…
Let this promise in me start like an anthem in my heart,
From now on.
For years and years I chased their cheers
A crazy speed of always needing more
When I stop and see you here, I remember who all this was for…
And we will come back home, home again!
.
YES LORD. Again you use my favorite musical to speak to me and my renewed faith! For years and years I have chased the approval of others, whether my family, friends, or church, but the only approval I need is Yours! When I stop to really think about why I am doing these things, it is all for you, I come back home again! To You!
I sat in the bus on the way to our new ministry jamming out to this anthem for my renewed faith in the Lord; singing it to Him like a proclamation of faith, praise, and trust in Him!
THANK YOU GREATEST SHOWMAN for how you allowed me to feel the love of my Heavenly Father. It is truly amazing to see God use anything to speak to His children. In my case, it was this spectacular musical that left me dancing in a bathroom in Haiti, telling myself I was beautiful and loved and weeks later jamming out on a bus ride in the Dominican Republic, promising God all of myself in full surrender!
Be on the lookout for how God can speak to you through your favorite things. Also, go see this musical because it is wonderful.
All my love,
JJ
