A year ago today I almost ended my life. That may come as a shock to some of you. I might have seemed like I was the perfect Christian girl on social media pursuing a Bible degree in Oregon and fundraising to do this wild missions trip, but meanwhile, behind the scenes of what I plastered and made y’all believe I was, I struggled to see that my life had purpose. I had absolutely no hope for my life and on the way home from work one night, I had the urge to pull my steering wheel straight into a dividend and end my life with a head on collision.
I don’t know how I made it home. I remember screaming in the car, I remember feeling a dark presence around me and I feel like the only way I survived was because I called on the name of Jesus even though I wanted nothing to do with Him. I remember whispering the name of Jesus a dozen times and as I made it safely to the parking lot of my apartment complex and put my car in park, I began to sob heavier than I ever have before. I became dehydrated and exhausted from my wails and tears. It took everything in me just to send a text to my brother. I just said “I need someone” and he and four other friends came running to my side and crammed themselves in my car and prayed truth over me in my misery.
A year ago today I hated God, I wanted nothing to do with Him, I found no purpose or hope in my life, I turned to alcohol to make myself feel better, I spent days in dark rooms under the covers believing lies that Satan was screaming, and I almost killed myself because I could not stand the pain.
A year ago TODAY.
Just a year ago, guys. A year!
Did you read my last blog? Do you see where I am now? Holy Crap! I remember sitting on my bed with my mom and brother and telling them that I saw absolutely no way out and I have no hope. Now, I wake up in the morning and scream Christ is my only hope!
I waited patiently for the Lord;
he turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.
He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear the Lord
and put their trust in him. Psalm 40:1-3
My Jesus did just this^^. He lifted me out of a slimy pit, the darkest place of my life and he set my feet on solid rock! He put a new song in my mouth and now my life is a sweet melody to my Savior. I sit here on Good Friday and ponder about how He saved my life by dying on the cross, but yet again He saved me from taking my own life, a year ago, ON GOOD FRIDAY! Sheesh. Over two thousand years ago on this day He stands in my place and takes my sins, a year ago He stands before me and fights the enemy in my darkest hour, and today I stand in reflection, absolutely in wonder at what God has done in just a year.
I look down at my feet at the solid rock I stand on. It is not mud and mire, it is not a slimy pit, but Jesus Christ.
On Christ the solid rock I stand! All other ground is sinking sand!
Today I stand before you a changed woman. I am not who I was a year ago. I am hopelessly in love with Jesus, I am confident in my faith, I am willing to risk it all, and yet still so hungry for more of Him. I have dreams and hopes and joys in my life! I talk with my Abba all day long! A year ago I wasn’t even uttering His name because of anger and bitterness. He has completely transformed me…
I sometimes find myself crying in the morning just thinking about how much God loves me as a beloved daughter and all that He has done to get me here.
I had a moment the other day in our time in evangelism where I took a back seat and just watched my team interact with our new friends Hannah and Austin on their porch. I rested my head against the wall and watched the Holy Spirit work through each of my friends and I just cried. I cried because I feel so lucky that God chooses me to be here. I find it an absolute honor that He would choose little ‘ole me to go across the world and tell people about how much He loves them. I find myself crying as I pray for these beautiful people, deeply desiring for them to truly know the God that I serve, desperately wanting them to feel the weight of His love and grace!
God has not only given me another chance at life, but He is using my story for His good. That last verse that says “Many will see and fear the Lord and put their trust in Him” rings true in what God is doing in my life.
Friends, will you look and see? Will you see what God has done in my life?! My testimony is going to help others see and put their trust in Him!
God keeps giving me words here on the race like Encourager, Teacher, Developer, Leader, Role Model, etc. He speaks these names over me and pushes me to step into them. He reveals that these are roles He wants from me and roles that I am. I LOVE being a role model for young girls and young believers, I LOVE leading people closer to Jesus, I LOVE speaking and teaching others of His goodness, I LOVE inspiring people and I LOVE developing people and helping them become stronger men and women of God. Gosh, I feel like this is my calling.
Sweet Jesus, many are going to see what You have done in my life and trust in YOU! You took my life, turned it upside down and have given it purpose, hope, and joy. May my story encourage others and inspire others to follow You and run after You more! May they trust in You because of what You have done in me. Use me, Lord.
Dear friends,
Look at what God did in my life in just a year. He took a sinner and made a daughter, a rebel and made an heir, a broken heart and made a mended passion for Him.
I am a depressed loner turned passionate evangelist.
An angry hater turned brave missionary.
A suicidal, lost, and hopeless wanderer turned devoted, fearless, and joyful child of the Most High God.
You may be in a low spot like I was, and if you are in as deep as I was, you are in my prayers. But if God can take me from suicide to where I am now? He can and WILL get you out of yours.
From the lyrics of For All Seasons song Clarity, “If it is not good, He’s not finished yet.” Hold on. Just wait and see where He will take you in a year.
All my love,
JJ
A YEAR AGO:
TODAY:
