Man I fought it hard. I really tried to push it as far back as I could but it kept poking me, annoying me. About a month ago someone sat me down and with a serious face said, “God is calling you oversees.” In the moment I blew it off because well, I’m going to Africa in a couple of weeks so yeah, I know God is calling me overseas. But then it dawned on me that he meant longer than a 9 month mission trip. In all honesty I wanted no part of it. How could I leave my family for even longer. I’ll miss so much of their lives. I decided to not believe it was for me and distracted myself by thinking of things I could do instead. I could go home and get a job. Maybe save enough money to buy a van and travel up the west coast until I found a town I liked. But every time I daydreamed plans, they always felt empty.
Meanwhile I was still doing ministry, falling in love with the kids and friends I have made here. Subconsciously thinking, “I could do this for the rest of my life.” I had those thoughts but never would shine light on them because I knew what was going to happen. Fear is gripping let me tell you, but God has us in his arms always.
Two questions:
1. Where do you need to come into agreement with what God is speaking over you?
2. Who are you called to fight for?
These where processing questions given to us after a talk given by one of our leaders. And I heard, clear as a bell.
Two answers:
1. I’m calling you overseas stop fighting me.
2. Orphans
Wow. All the fears came flooding back in. But I realized God is worthy of them all. To be able to do it with him by my side is worth it. Feeling homesick is valid. God gave me a beautiful family and earthly home to miss but my real home is where the Father is. I know he has something more for me. What that “more” looks like I have no idea. The answers I received have so many possibilities. He is so creative that I’m sure it’s going to be more than anything I could imagine.
When people tell you you’ve changed its one thing, but to actually witness my thoughts take a 180 is mind blowing. At the beginning I told myself this was not going to be long term. I was not going to be a “crazy missionary” for the rest of my life. I literally told myself I was doing this trip to step away from my life at home, connect with god and myself, and to find what kind of woman I wanted to be for the rest of my life. That’s so funny. That statement came true but in such a different way than I had planned.
I love the United States of America. I never thought about living anywhere else. It’s my country but its not my calling. At least not in this season of life.
Prayer Requests:
For divine opportunities to come my way and that God would use them to show me where he wants me after the race. Also for clarity and patience in God’s timing.
