Getting to Ethiopia, I had a lot of peace from the Lord about what my time here would look like. He told me it was a time to fight in prayer for my family and friends and to grow closer with him. Okay, sweet. I get to just chill out with the Lord. I thought this time was going to be a breeze. I’ve actually learned that a lot of my expectations during this race called life don’t usually turn out to be reality.
Getting here, it reminded me of New Mexico right from the start. The cool dry air reminded me of October evenings. This was so sweet but played into a lot of homesickness. It was also hard to adjust to everything new. In Guatemala, ministry was a set schedule, while here there is more freedom. You’re responsible for your time so what you put in is what you get out. There’s not a lot of consistency which was really hard for me to get use to. I think all of this added with being away for the holidays and no contact to home made adjustment rough. I would wake up missing home and go to sleep still missing it. The culture is vastly different from anything I have experienced and I soon felt uncomfortable going outside the base because the curiosity of the people made me feel on display and the center of not the best attention. Starving for normalcy, I wanted to close up. But I had coped many times this way when things got hard. Giving into isolation and distancing myself. I decided it never really worked out for me in the past. It was time to break the cycle. So instead of taking the easy way of shutting out my community and God, I fought for it. I fought for a routine to give me structure and I fought for vulnerability. That looked like spending time crying and surrendering to God and then crying to my team and being raw and honest about what I was feeling. Every day was hard but every day I got a little stronger and a little more dependent on the Lord. Hearing over and over and focusing on Romans 8:18 that says, “I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.”
As Christmas got closer, I had to work harder to choose joy and to trust the Lord. I was constantly having to surrender my family,future, and how I was feeling to the Lord. I knew that the best place they could be was in his hands but I wanted to hold on to them so much. The Lord is so patient. He just stood there with so much grace saying, “I know it hurts. Let me have them when your ready.” And as I was feeling so much guilt for having to surrender so many times to him, it finally clicked. The Lord just wants my heart no matter what that looks like. While I was so frustrated with myself having to surrender daily he was rejoicing every time I came to his feet. Instead of the guilt, he gave me his joy. The joy he felt just because I was choosing him.
Christmas day turned Africa around for me. God gave me so much release. I was worried I was going to be a mess that day and I was at the beginning but as the day went on, I felt more and more at home. As we worshiped that night, we sang a song from Mary’s point of view when she first looked down on her baby boy. It said something along the lines of “these hands are so small, but one day they will stretch out and save us all.” I felt like I was stuck in a rut. The hard times felt so big but thank goodness his faithfulness is bigger. The battle rages, but the war is already won. I knew from that moment that life would throw plenty of things at me but I would always come out on top because Jesus died and conquered this world.
As I’m writing this, I am so thankful for those hard days. Some of the hardest I’ve experienced, but they produced the strongest version of myself that I have known. I feel like I could do anything now and that confidence is so refreshing. I’m also really proud of myself for being determined to not let myself slip. My relationship with the Lord has turned raw and real. If those hard days hadn’t have happened, I wouldn’t have had to lean on him with the desperation I did and end up closer to him than ever before.
He is so faithful. If you’re in a rough patch, don’t shut God out. Let him in along with the people around you that he has placed there to support you. Take joy in knowing that this valley could produce strength that you have never had if you just decide for yourself that you’re not going to give in. Growth is most seen in the hard times.
