Exactly. It has been a wild ride the past few months. I’ve dealt with a lot of emotions since coming back early from training camp in October 2015. There were lots of questions. But clearly, I was not going in January.
Among the things wrestled: hopelessness. How does a missionary become hopeless? Sometimes all it takes is one glance away from the cross. Or we compare our current “job” to what we have been doing or could be doing. A lot of my struggles personally comes from having dreams that are larger than my current reality. I dream of going to these places, of doing all these amazing things, put in the time for fundraising, and then when I receive little for it, it can be rough.
This is how Satan knows to best attack me. He would love for nothing more than for us to feel invisible or that our voice isn’t heard/doesn’t matter. And sometimes it comes from those we expect it from the least. But it’s in these moments we learn what it means to be content and we surrender control to God.
Enough about the fundraising that I’ve come to know, love, and hate – said every missionary everywhere, lol.
Let’s look more at the heart.
God does not call out of an anywhere but here.
Coming back from Ethiopia to Kentucky brought it’s own issues. Was I glad to see family and friends? Yes, you bet. Was I ready once again to face coming back into first world reality – how much I had changed in having gone, and how not a lot of people back home had, the isolation in that? No, not so much.
I left the country in pursuit of God’s best and I still do, but coming back also re-opened old wounds from before I had just left the States this last time. I went into ministry mode like we tend to do. The church I had been going to before I left went through the unexpected and the actions behind all of that hurt me extremely. I believed in the place. I felt like church leaders actions hurt other people I love half-way across the world and it ended with me walking away from that church.
Starting over isn’t fun and was never my first plan, and the only comfort I was able to find in that was knowing I was not alone – God was with me – and I was not alone in that there were other people affected by and going through some of these same things as well. I was back driving some of the same roads I was before I left, and now God wanted me to deal with it.
He wanted to heal me.
Another thing to be wrestled: I broke my ankle. On December 1st, I slipped and fell in the mud in our front yard wearing flip flops and broke the small bone actually in my leg, ankle area. I did not have health insurance at that time. It required surgery – and I became part robot with a full plate and screws later. (The 9th break involving the left side, as previously I broke my foot in 8 places after a car accident when I was 16). Have I mentioned the miracle in having that foot? I’m still left with medical bills for that.
So now I’m working to rehab my leg and get my body into gear for my trip to Ethiopia in July and my next training camp in August. I’ve been working out more in efforts to do this. I’m letting Jesus care for and tend to my heart. I ask you for your prayers as I move forward and for your finances as none of this will be possible without your support.
I don’t want your finances out of obligation or pity. I don’t want it out of force. I don’t want financial support outside of anything but a cheerful heart from cheerful giver. I want us giving because God first gave to us and I want us giving out of an ‘others minded’ mentality.
Let’s be willing to get our hands dirty. Let us be His hands, His feet.
