I remember standing out in the hallway as the x-ray tech took over the room my Mom was in. The ER was becoming too familiar. I remember standing with my back against the wall and I remember feeling at peace. I prayed. I knew my God was in control of the uncertain and His hand was on this situation. I knew my God was near. I felt as though His angels camped around me, us in that ER. There was a power, a force that brought calm, soothing and peace for the moment. That moment the x-ray tech took the chest x-ray of my Mom’s chest.
We came in with shortness of breath. I knew it was worse this time and she felt bad as when I asked if she wanted a wheelchair, she said yes. By the time I was able to find one she was sitting in the ER lobby, winded, laboring to catch the oxygen that seemed to be escaping her. She struggled with great effort. I apologized for not wanting to be rude as I interrupted the conversation with the current discharged patient that was happening on the other side of the window in front of me but as soon as the lady at registration saw us, she got up from her spot and came out to get us without a moment of hesitation.
“Room 2.”
“Exam 5 is open,” I hear another nurse say.
“Room 2 will do,” was the nurse’s response.
Room 2 versus Exam 5 triage.
I wheel my Mom in through the door and the swarm of questions begins. Here we are again.
She begins with an EKG as she is struggling to get air in her lungs. They want her to stay still to get an accurate reading. It wasn’t happening. A nebulizer and breathing treatment later, she gets magnesium sulfate through an IV in effort to open up the airway. It helps.
Asthma? Yes. Reactive Airway Disease? Yes. Allergies? A ton.
“Do you have a history of AFib?”
“No.”
“You do now.”
Atrial fibrillation. That is not what we wanted to hear at the time but we were getting the answer to the problem that we were praying over. Perhaps we had a cause. Family history starts twirling in her mind: the time when our great-aunt passed away from a pulmonary embolism, something that was completely preventable and treatable had we known the diagnosis in time. She feared with this new diagnosis of AFib that she may be in the same boat.
Hours later and tests later, we are ordered a CT Scan to rule out the possibilities of a PE. As she was wheeled away by the tech, she tells me not to worry. Soon we would see how she did with x-rays laying down as laying down made breathing more difficult. After she was gone for her CT, my thoughts and emotions caught up with me.
I stare at the empty bed in front of me.
Worry wanted to invade that space just when she told me not to. How many times does God tell us not to worry? My mom’s physical heart rhythm was irregular, out of normal beat. How we respond to the unexpected is a direct mirror of the condition of our spiritual heart. What rhythm are we in?
Are we available? Do we hide and try to protect, or do we let God into those fears when they want to creep up on us? How’s our level of trust? What about intimacy – how intimate are we with the Holy of Holies? Do we talk to Him about how we are feeling? What do we talk to Him about? Do we thank Him when we are in the midst of it, or do we hammer Him with a bunch of requests? What’s our attitude?
Results show us that she did not have any clots, praise the Lord. What could have led to frustration that this was even happening became a moment of gratitude as we were getting answers as doctors began to piece together this puzzle of symptoms. My posture in this moment was no place near the posture before God the moment my Dad became very ill and died of cancer on Christmas Day nearly 11 years ago. I was in a different stance.
While we were free of the fear of blood clots, after the diagnosis of AFib, my Mom was admitted to the hospital after a night being in the ER. Two hours after the decision was made she needed to be admitted, she was moved to her new room, room 122.
She would be scheduled for an echo-cardiogram so that the cardiologist she would be seeing would be able to better examine her heart. Once we meet the cardiologist, we discover my Mom was actually never in AFib at all but rather in sinus pattern with premature atrial contractions (pacs). It turns out the computer told the ER doc that she was in AFib, but the EKG pattern on the paper showed otherwise.
Sometimes what we think is the case actually isn’t. Sometimes we think of things, start to worry and things turn out not to be as bad as we think they are. In these moments we are grateful for the relief and perhaps sometimes we feel a little stupid we ever got so anxious. Other times we worry and actually have reason to.
When it comes to our spiritual heart, only God and we know the condition. God, our great and mighty cardiologist, is the one who determines what is really going on. He is the specialist with all the answers to go to. He accepts us wherever we are, whatever shape we are in. He is our magnesium sulfate that opens up and clears out all that entangles and tries to strangle us. He is the Healer. Whatever our rhythm the spiritual EKG shows, He can work in us to make our heart beat in tune with His. We want a heartbeat like His. We only need to do our part, the things that we can, and trust that He knows what He is doing enough to give Him the rest.
Has your heart been shot lately? Give it to Him. He wants to make it new. He wants to take the pain away. He is the Physician we can trust. Trust Him. He knows what He is doing.
