Tonight in what started as a normal feedback session with our team (gathered around a candle mind you since the power is only on for four hours a day) left me totally wrecked. Not only have a felt a rumble in my spirit for a while now; but also seeing the heart ache here opened up my heart for being wrecked.
A little preface to this blog: Brad at debrief in Lagos said he saw me as Atlas, from Atlas Shrugged, who carried the weight of the world on my shoulders and remained strong. He said Atlas had people follow him as well because of how he carried himself. That word struck a note within me, I noticed that he was right. I take on a lot of weight from the world to try and be a saving grace. I try to bring redemption and push people into greatness by helping them carry their burdens. I thought, this isn’t the end of this vision, there is something more, something deeper, something in my spirit with burden bearing that hasn’t been resolved. But at that point I let it go and did not think about it. Tonight I was heavily reminded of it again.
On the world race, especially living in this intensive community, we try to build each other up and sharpen each other through what we call feedback. In feedback we are intentional about what we bring to each other in positives and constructives. Tonight’s feedback session (first one with my new team) was one unlike any other; one I will never forget.
My new team had awesome encouraging things to say about me and also highly challenged me for more. In this blog I will tell you how I got wrecked tonight through their challenge. It started with Brad; Brad said God wants to reorient my theology and move my confidence from me to Christ. Brad mentioned one of the things I said to him early today that I want the Holy Spirit to teach me things Himself, I don’t want to learn about him through the books written by men about Him; Brad said that is exactly what is going to happen with me.
Justine said she saw stacks of books on my each of my shoulders. Similar to book ends of my head. Then she saw a scroll of scripture between my ears. She said God is taking me into a season of cleaning out doctrine with scripture, that I need to let Gods logos (written word) and rhema (spoken word) be the only things that fill me. She said she has seen me sow so much into the spirit and now it is time for me to reap from the Spirit.
Then Erika said to me that God wants to minister straight to my heart. She said that I have been holding onto people’s burdens for my whole life, trying to be there for people, and taking the burdens on myself. These burdens have added up over the years and it is time to lay those burdens at the cross. I cannot carry the weight of the world on my shoulders alone. Christ is here to take those burdens, not me.
Jordan said the past 7 months I have been taking on the burdens of people from our squad, and holding them on my shoulders (just like Atlas) and now it is time to lay it at the cross and let this be a season where I get poured into, both through my new team and through Christ. She said this is a season I could not prepare for just know that the Holy Spirit is wrecking me for it. That His love will become so real to me. She said this season will be completely opposite of everything I know.
They were all right! I am about to get wrecked! I have been carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders and it is time for me to lay those burdens at the cross. It is time for me to allow others to pour into me, and realize that it is genuine. It is time for me to lay down everything I know in order for the Holy Spirit to teach me on His own.
