While the 5 month mark is closing in, there are so many emotions that are come with the thought of leaving. People are constantly asking me how fundraising is going (it’s alright), if I am excited (I totally am!!), what I am worried about (a lot). In the honor of the 5 months that I have to prepare for the total unexpected that is guaranteed with this trip, I decided to elaborate on 5 things that my mind constantly swirl around. (I am a natural worrier, so as trivial as some of these may be, I know I need to grow my faith and know that things are going to work out the way they are supposed to)
- Missing Out
A year is a long time and a lot of things are going to happen. Along with the simple everyday living, there will be birthdays, anniversaries, weddings, births and deaths. Although I am slightly more ok missing the first two, the last three are what I worry about the most. Missing out on celebrating weddings with my friends, the possibility of friends and family members having babies and the thought of coming home and someone not being there make being gone a year extremely hard.(I always have this fear when I travel something bad is going to happen) When I explained these to my cousin (especially with the bad feeling), she said the most simple thing “What is being home actually going to do” I never thought of it like that before….honestly if I was home, the hurt would still hurt, but I wouldn’t be able to do anything about it. Missing the fun times with friends will suck, but I will be having my own good times, while making new friends.
Thing to Remember: Not going, because of fear of missing out, will make me miss out on what is sure to be the most incredible experience of my life. Have faith, things will happen, but they will happen for a reason.
- Dangers
There are many scenarios that pop in my head, especially when I am laying down trying to go to sleep. Most are mild: what if I get sick (I have a terrible immune system), will a snake sneak into my tent, what are the chances I break a bone (I never have before). Then I watch the news all about ISIS and terrorist groups and people say “did you see what they did? Are you sure you want to go?” Um is it weird if I say yes? Maybe it’s the adrenaline junkie in me, or maybe it doesn’t bother me as much as it should. Am I scared? Ya a little. Should I be more afraid? Probably, but why? There are dangers everywhere. Something could happen in my backyard, on my way to work, at my cabin.. you get it. What are the chances that something that bad will happen to me while I’m gone? (I like to think little) If something does happen to me, that is what God had planned for my life. But please keep me in your prayers while I am gone!!
Thing to Remember: There are dangers everywhere in life. Trust that God will be watching over me, and don’t let the fear of danger keep me from missing out on life.
- My Faith
One of my biggest fears: not being religious enough. I was raised Catholic, went to church most every Sunday, pray before dinner I even helped teach a confirmation class when I was in high school, but is that enough? I have my beliefs, which at times I question (more about that in 4), I pray most every day (something I am working on) but I don’t feel like a typical missionary. SIDENOTE: I’m realizing there isn’t such thing as a typical missionary. I don’t share my views/beliefs with people; they have their own beliefs and views and that is great, I respect that. I don’t think it’s necessary that others see me pray; my relationship with God is between us, I don’t need to prove it to others for it to be true. I don’t regularly read the bible (also something I am working on). I don’t feel anything from reading (again is that bad??) I feel Him when I am outside running with my dog, at my cabin on the boat with my dad, watching a North Dakota sunset (most beautiful I’ve seen so far) or looking at the stars. I see Him in the faces of the kids I get to know. For me it is about experiencing Him through doing things, not reading or listening about Him (again working on that). One of the questions I had to answer during my interview process was “Where are you with your faith?” My answer: I am still working on it. And I will continue to work on if for the rest of my life.
Thing to Remember: I am ready for change. I could be better in many parts of my life, and being more open to God and having faith in Him can only be beneficial!
- Not knowing
Analytic: pretty much describes the way I view things. I like having things black and white, I am a creature of habit and I don’t like change. Having an analytic brain does me wonders at work (I am a chemist at a paint company called Valspar). It drives my mom nuts when I ask her for a recipe her reply is add “whatever you have” or “just add some” to make a meal (I can’t do that, I need to follow a recipe). That’s when having an analytic brain are good. Faith is where it is not. One thing about faith is that there is so much of not knowing and reliance that is required. I do have faith, but I also find myself asking “but how do I know? Where is my proof?” I want solid yes or no answers, but life doesn’t work like that. Sometimes there is gray area, and maybe that’s a good thing. If I had answers to all the questions I had, I would get bored with life. I think a little mystery goes a long way. Having faith isn’t about having proof, it’s about still believing when the situation is against you, or you are stuck in the gray area. No I don’t know what will happen on this trip, or what my future is to be like (I’ve always had an idea of what it would look like, and I was totally wrong up to this point).
Thing to Remember: Not knowing all the answers isn’t our job, it’s His. I need to keep faith that my life is EXACTLY where it is supposed to be.
- Expectations
This one will be short. I don’t have very many expectations for this trip. From my experience, having expectations doesn’t do me any good. Either situations never live up to what I thought, or they are way better than I could ever imagine!! (I think this trip will be the later) NO EXPECTATIONS. How do you go on a trip like that with no expectations? Jump at every opportunity possible! Ride an elephant, jump off a waterfall, eat a cockroach (maybe not that one…) but just do! I will do my best to make the most of this amazing opportunity!
Thing to Remember: Be prepared to change. Be flexible, don’t worry, just LIVE.
