Christians talk of the realities and necessity of suffering regularly, but I feel we often disregard the warnings about comfort and safety, unaware that these things could truly be causing a division between us and God. After all, isn’t this what we are taught to seek after and isn’t this what most of our decisions are based upon…security, comfort and happiness?
Comforts all carry the potential to create a false sense of peace and security. Though these feelings are always fleeting, we never really slow down long enough to realize this as we just continue on with the next day, and next comfort. When the feel good emotions start wearing off from one thing, we just move on the next one, or go back for more of the previous. We rarely allow ourselves to feel the emptiness and/or pain long enough to address why it is there.
On the Race, once the initial excitement and fun of being in a new place with new people wears off, you begin to feel the loss of the people and things left behind. This is of course natural and a part of the whole process. I expected to feel some pain and sadness from missing my life back home.
What I did not expect, however, was to discover that I had been turning to many simple comforts, and even hobbies, for my peace and happiness over God. In the absence of my comforts, I was made to truly see them. None are even bad things and many I look forward to returning to next year, but I hope to do so with the right mindset this time around.
Before leaving for the Race, I was unaware that many of my daily comforts had become crutches, things that I relied and depended on to make me feel better and move me forward. From cooking meals in my kitchen with my favorite music playing to watching a movie or show with Keith (my boyfriend) and playing with my pug, Kai, I did not realize that I went to these things first when I was feeling frustrated or sad, and not to God. I brought to God the really HUGE problems and issues, but turned to my comforts to soothe my daily wounds/concerns.
Two of my favorite comforts, Keith (my boyfriend) and food 🙂
I hope to return to my comforts and routine with a new appreciation for them as the blessings they are instead of the needs I was making them out to be. Below is a list of some of these comforts I no longer have now that I’m overseas, so you can better understand where I’m at. This is not meant to be a list of complaints, but merely an honest look at some of the discomforts that slowly brought me to this place of awareness:
- Privacy – From the moment I wake up until I lay down, I’m surrounded by faces, chatter, noises, etc. No more long showers and primping in the bathroom or quiet nights alone reading a book. If you want a silent place to be alone, you often have to leave the property and go to a local bakery or coffee shop, which is still filled with people and noise. Community living truly is a growing and rewarding thing, but also very challenging to do day after day.
- Hot/Warm Showers – Being a cold natured person, the only time the cold showers are refreshing to me is when it is in the middle of the day after being out in the sun for a while. The evening shower, which is often the only time I can squeeze one in with the 13 people, is definitely a cold and quick one. However, I quickly became more grateful for these cold showers when we were without water for 5 days or so because of plumbing issues.
One of our mini projects at La Ola (the property we have been at all month) was these super cool outdoor showers our teams painted and set up
- Mattress/Quality Sleep – This will change month to month, but for now I switch between sleeping in my hammock and tent outside. I am definitely getting used to it and if you are tired enough, you will sleep anywhere, but there is a definite difference in my sleep quality. I typically wake up naturally around 6:30-7:00am every morning on the Race since it is so bright and hot already. I started wearing an eye mask and earplugs to bed every night because of the noise and lights, but the earplugs barely block any sound and I still wake up simply because of the heat and sweating from the sun shining down on me.
- Air Conditioning – Speaking of sweat, it is what I do now 🙂 I literally sweat while I sleep, while I sit reading, while I work, while I walk, etc. The temperatures are not always that bad, but the humidity is very high and most days are sunny (with crazy storms and torrential rain at night). This was a hard one for me as you have to constantly wash your clothes (outside in a bucket of cold water, of course) and shower, only to sweat again. The few times we have eaten out or visited someone’s house with A/C, I end up freezing. I guess my body is adjusting somewhat.
Me and Casie washing our clothes
- Exercise – Anyone that knows me well knows I enjoy my workouts and that they are a regular part of my routine. I often do a class or routine for a few months and then switch it up to another one. The schedule constantly changes here and differs from day to day, making it hard to plan out anything. In addition, the humidity and heat add an extra layer of difficulty to this. I did some yoga with my teammates and got super lightheaded after just a few minutes. The good news is that we stay pretty active between walking everywhere and the manual labor this month, so that helps. However, there is a noticeable dip in my energy levels and I miss the stress relief it provides.
Though not my normal routine, we did at least stay active this month – moving the surfboard cabinet here so that we could bust through the concrete to find a pipe (left to right: Derek, Casie, Me and Brooke)
- Healthy, Balanced Diet – This too will change a lot from month to month, but this first month has been very challenging for me as we are in an area frequented by tourists. As such, we have access to a lot of processed, crappy foods and normal American brands, if willing to pay the high price tag. There is no shortage of bakeries, ice cream shops and cafes nearby and emotional eating is a huge problem for Racers, for a variety of reasons. In addition, we are responsible for our own meals, so have been splitting up our team food budget between the 2 teams. When you send a few people to grocery shop on a budget for 13 people, you end up eating a lot of PB&J sandwiches and sugary cereal. This is extremely stretching for me as a dietitian and I’ve had to really check my attitude about it. We recently starting organizing this process more and trying to meal planning, which has helped, but you still have to work with what you have, and balancing the preferences of a large group.
- Appearance/Beauty – This is admittedly an area in which I need to be pushed in as I often put a lot of pressure on myself in terms of appearance. From putting together the “right” outfit and blowdrying my hair to putting on my various beauty products and makeup, I often turn to these things in order to feel pretty and comfortable. I base more of my identity on my appearance than I would like to admit though I have come a long way in the past few years. Almost all of these things have been taken away on the Race. I literally have only worn my hair down like 3 times and that was only for a few hours as 1) it is just too hot to have it down for long and 2) high humidity combined with no blow dryer or straightener leads to some interesting looks. So, my hair is always up in a makeshift bun, often not washed for 2-3 days compared to daily at home. I have roughly 5 outfits total that I keep rotating, none of which I would actually wear at home. The only time I have worn makeup has been the occasional swipe of blush and mascara to church or such. This has been good for me as a whole, but I do miss just dressing up and feeling like a woman, feeling like myself.
The Race has already forced me to acknowledge how large of a role these comforts have played in my mood and contentment. As such, I have had to admit to myself, and to God, how small of a role I have allowed Him to play. I’ve let these people and these things become an inferior stand-in for God and can more clearly see now why I struggled with living in the full peace and joy of God before. How silly to seek out the emotions and results that only God can truly give from sources other than God Himself.
So, my resolve moving forward is not to embrace every discomfort, but to look to the truths behind the discomfort. In addition, I want to continue learning to bring each and every feeling, thought and emotion to God first and not simply cover them up with distractions, whether good or bad.
We are about to wrap up month one in Costa Rica and head to our next country, Nicaragua. We have gotten to work with a wide variety of ministries this month including a 4 week Bible study on John that our group led, weekly prayer walk over the local bars and casinos involved in prostitution and trafficking, homeless man’s ministry, Christian Surfers meetings, Pregnancy Center, soccer camp, construction and plumbing at La Ola, cleaning the church, anti-trafficking protest walk and the weekly kids club (where 80-100 kids gather at a park nearby for games, Bible lesson and skit, crafts and snacks – each taking home a bag of beans and rice for their family) – see pics of some of these below.
Our 2 teams celebrating the retaining wall we built all around the property
Kids Club (Photo Credit: Victoria Baxter)
Anti-trafficking protest walk through Jacó – what a cool experience and a much needed spotlight on such a big issue here
Luke finding a way to get to the pipes we needed to fix the water problem
Left to Right: Ricardo (one of the friends we made this month who lives at La Ola), Luke (on Team Unsilenced), Abi (sleeping on the couch, ha!) and me
My team will be leaving Jacó on Wednesday and staying in a hostel overnight in San José. Then, on Thursday, my entire squad will all be heading to Granada (in Nicaragua) via a 7 hour bus ride.
We will be debriefing for a few days together as a squad, then moving onto our ministry site for the month (still in Granada), which is our all-squad month. We have a large debrief at the end of month 1, 5, 7 and 11 where our World Race coaches, mentors, squad leaders and squad all come together to process everything as a group. It also offers an opportunity for us to connect with the rest of the squad, share stories and unwind before digging into our next ministry.
I still have $2,893 to raise before the final deadline in December, so please consider financially partnering with me so that I can continue on in this journey. Thank you to everyone who is following me, and for all of the prayers, support and love.
