My prayer life sucks.
I often find myself talking at God, instead of talking with God. It’s hard for me to open myself up, even if it is to the One who created me. I usually get off track and start rambling about something stupid. I'm ashamed to admit that I haven't talked to God nearly as much as I need to, mainly because I'm scared. I can feel myself becoming weighed down by the pressure and stress of everyday life. This letter is something I've been meaning to write for several weeks now, but "never had time." Well, I'm sick of feeling like crap all the time.
So, I’m finally writing a letter to God.
God,
You’ve always been so good to me, even when I least deserve it. I can feel Your presence even when I think I’m the farthest from You. Thank You. Thank You for Your love and mercy. Thank You for unending grace. I fail You every day. Guide me in Your footsteps. If You open doors for me, help me walk through them blindly courageous. Give me words that flow from Your mouth, and help me to let Your love shine through me. I may be the only Jesus that people will meet. Help me to show them You, to show them Your love, Your unconditional love. Help me to make the right decisions and to say the right things at the right time. Give me strength, God. I am so weak right now, but I know that through You all things are possible. Help me to stop thinking about my past and the filthy sin that comes with it. Help me to focus on You and Your glory. You have promised me a future greater than I can imagine, and I put all my trust in You.
I trust that You will speak to my family. I ask that You POUR a peace over them, God. They’re so scared. My parents hate the idea of The Race. Speak to them, God. Speak into their hearts. Give them a peace. Use The Race to bring them closer to You. I trust in You, God. Help me to be more understanding to their concerns, but help them, too, to be more understanding of mine. I’m scared too, God. I’m the one that’s actually leaving the country for a year. I’m the one who is leaving everything behind to live as the least of these. I’m scared, too! Why can’t anyone see that, God?! Why do I ALWAYS feel so guilty when my family tells me how much they’re going to miss me? I just want to scream at them sometimes, God. Do they think that I just woke up one day and decided to leave my family, my friends, my comfort zone because it sounded like fun?! God, help them to see how much time, thought, and prayer I put into this. Help them to see that this isn’t as easy for me as they think it is. God, I will miss them. You know this. I am going to miss them so much. God, remove this doubt. Remove the voice telling me that I can’t do this. Remove my fear and insecurities about The Race. I need Your strength, God. This isn’t easy.
I give everything to You. I give my worries to You. I give my selfishness to You. I give You all my insecurities and all my doubts to You. Fill me with Your Holy Spirit, God. Fill me with a peace that can only be described as Your presence. Help me to stay focused and motivated as I finish my college education. Instill a love for teaching in me that I once had, God. Teaching isn’t easy, and I need You. I need Your strength and Your wisdom. Help me to be the teacher that the students need. Help me to say that right things at the right time in the classroom. Help me to be a role model for the students, God. Help me to love the students unconditionally, and to see past their circumstances. Help me to teach them, even if it isn’t about the content.
God, I pray for my squad. We are eight months away from this journey that You have called each and every one us on. We are all facing our own trials and tribulations, and the devil is fighting hard against us. God, I lift them up to You. I ask that You put a shield of armor around them. I ask that they can feel Your presence, even in the darkest times. I pray that they will seek You in everything, and that they will never lose focus from You. I ask that You provide peace for their families as well. This isn’t easy for anybody, but we all know that You are our shelter and our protector. The cost of the trip is a lot of money in our eyes, but in Yours, it’s nothing. Help us to seek You in our fundraising. Help us to see the total cost of $15,500 as a small amount compared to the lives that will be transformed for You. I pray that you lay it on people’s heart to give. I pray that in their giving, they seek You first. I pray that they see it not as a burden to give, but as a blessing that they have it to give. We know that You will bless the giver (Deuteronomy 15:10).
I love You, God. I have never been so scared before in my life. I don’t know what the future holds, but I know that You hold it. So, I trust You. As hard as it may be to give up control, I give it to You. I hand it all to You. Amen.
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Some of you have been asking for prayer requests from me. You want to know what you can pray for me about, and I usually just push it off and say the typical prayer requests because I don't want to admit all the junk I've been dealing with. Well, here it is. If God puts it on your heart to pray for me, here is everything that I am struggling with. But let me thank you, first. It is because of your constant prayers that have gotten me through these last couple of weeks. God has placed wonderful prayer warriors in my life, and I am extremely thankful.
